This sounds to me like low self esteem. Please read the attached as it may clear up some areas that you need help in...
"Increasing Your Self Esteem"
This Program Is Intended As A Self Help Program And Is Not Intended To Be A Therapy Program Nor Is It Intended To Replace Therapy Services
Increasing Your Self Esteem
PROGRAM OUTLINE
I. Introduction To The Program
II. Self Esteem And How To Build It
a. What Is Your Style Of Living? What Is Assertiveness?
b. Your Present Relating Style
c. Learning How To Be Assertive
d. Your Personal Bill Of Rights
e. Practicing Assertive Responses
III. Defining Assertiveness And Assertion Training
a. Defining Assertiveness Training.
b. Human Bill of Rights.
c. Assertive Skills.
d. Assertive Techniques.
e. Non?verbal Components of Assertion.
f. Reframing.
IV. Proper Relaxation Skills To Relax And To Aid Your Assertiveness Skills
a. What Relaxation is not.
b. Effects of Relaxation.
c. Relaxation Skills.
d. Body and Mind Relaxation.
VII. Exercises And Program Summary
INTRODUCTION
The purpose of this Increasing Your Self Esteem Program is to provide you with the needed tools to increase your interpersonal competence and to allow you to be assertive when you need to be. It will be very important that you practice each of the skills in this program on a regular basis in order to master them fully.
We all have situations which positively and negatively impact our self esteem. Most of us understand what is good for us and what is bad for us and our self esteem. We often have been raised to believe that we should have positive self esteem and yet we know very little about it. Most of us do understand that our self esteem comes from within us and also from situations when we are interacting with others. Our educational system does not teach us how to have good self esteem and does not provide us with the skills we need to get our self esteem enhanced and developed. As you go through this program, you will come to realize that there are a multitude of self esteem building skills that can be learned and used to help you to stand up for yourself, enhance your self esteem and to get your needs met in a positive and forthright manner. We will all have to live with ourselves during our life times and it is important to know about and to understand how we can develop and utilize our self esteem in our daily living.
We never know when we will be required to called upon to utilize our self esteem skills to help us to obtain what we want or to prevent someone else from overwhelming us and preventing us from obtaining the things that we so richly deserve. If you would like to learn more about self esteem after you complete this program, please feel free to email me at jagvw@earthlink.net and to visit my web site at url: www.helptochange.com where we have additional self esteem training programs for sale in our Self Help Bookstore and where you can obtain additional assistance about improving your self esteem and becoming more functional in your daily life. Start to build your self esteem today! It is never too late to have it!
As you go through this program please make every attempt to apply the information that is provided to your daily life. To increase your self esteem, practice is absolutely the key to success!
It's Time to Find Your Key to Your Self Esteem!
What Is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is a way of thinking, feeling, and acting that implies that you accept, respect, trust, and believe in yourself. When you accept yourself, you can live comfortably with both your personal strengths and weaknesses without undue self-criticism. When you respect yourself, you acknowledge your own dignity and value as a unique human being. You treat yourself well in much the same way you would treat someone else you respect. Self-trust means that your behaviors and feelings are consistent enough to give you an inner sense of continuity and coherence despite changes and challenges in your external circumstances. To believe in yourself means that you feel you deserve to have the good things in life. It also means that you have confidence that you can fulfill your deepest personal needs, aspirations, and goals. To get a sense about your own level of self-esteem, think of someone (or imagine what it would be like to know someone) whom you fully accept, respect, trust, and believe in. Now ask yourself to what extent you hold these attitudes toward yourself. Where would you place yourself on the following scale:
Very Low ......................................................Very High
Self-Esteem_________________________________________ Self-Esteem
0....... 1........ 2 .....3 .......4........5......6...... 7..... 8..... 9..... 10
A fundamental truth about self-esteem is that it needs to come from within. When self-esteem is low, the deficiency creates a feeling of emptiness which you may try to fill by latching on-often compulsively-to something external that provides a temporary sense of satisfaction and fulfillment. When the quest to fill your inner emptiness by appropriating something from outside becomes desperate, repetitive, or automatic, you have what is called an addiction. Broadly defined, addiction is an attachment to something or someone outside yourself that you feel you need to provide a sense of inner satisfaction or relief. Frequently this attachment substitutes preoccupation with a substance or activity for healthy human relationships. It may also substitute a temporary feeling of control or power for a more lasting sense of inner confidence and strength.
A healthy alternative to addiction is to work on building your self-esteem. Growing in self-esteem means developing confidence and strength from within. While still enjoying life fully, you no longer need to appropriate or identify with something or someone outside yourself to feel O.K. The basis for your self-worth is internal. As such, it is much more lasting and stable.
Ways to Build Self-Esteem
There are many pathways to self-esteem. It is not something that develops overnight or as a result of any single insight, decision, or modification in your behavior. Self-esteem is built gradually through a willingness to work on a number of areas in your life. This program considers-in three parts-a variety of ways to build self-esteem:
Taking Care of Yourself
Developing Support and Intimacy
Other Pathways to Self-Esteem
Most fundamental to your self-esteem is your willingness and ability to take care of yourself. This means first that you can recognize your basic needs as a human being and then do something about meeting them. Taking care of yourself also involves cultivating a relationship with that part of yourself known as the "inner child." Your inner child is a place deep inside that is the origin of your needs. It is the playful, spontaneous, and creative side of you-yet it also carries any emotional pain, fear, or sense of vulnerability you acquired from your childhood. By becoming a good parent to your own inner child now, you can overcome the limitations and deficiencies of your upbringing years ago. A popular saying these days aptly states, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood."
The first part of this program focuses on this theme of taking care of yourself. It begins by enumerating a variety of dysfunctional family situations that can cause low self-esteem. Following this is a discussion of basic human needs to help you identify those needs which are most important to address in your life right now. Learning to meet your needs-to care for and nurture yourself-is the most fundamental and important thing you can do to build your self-esteem.
Finding support and intimacy in your life is obviously a major part of taking care of yourself. Other people can't give you self-esteem, but their support, acceptance, validation, and love can go a long way toward reinforcing and strengthening your own self-affirmation. This part is divided into four sections. The first addresses the importance of developing a support system. The second presents ten conditions that I feel are critical to genuine intimacy. The third section offers a discussion of interpersonal boundaries. Having boundaries in your relationships is essential both to intimacy and to self-esteem. A final section underscores the relevance of assertiveness to self-esteem.
There are four additional aspects of self-esteem:
Personal wellness and body image
Emotional self-expression
Self-talk and affirmations for self-esteem
Personal goals and a sense of accomplishment
Although these pathways to self-esteem are diverse among themselves, they can all be viewed as an extension of the basic idea of taking care of yourself.
Taking Care of Yourself
Taking care of yourself is the foundation on which all other pathways to self-esteem rest. Without a basic willingness and ability to care for, love, and nurture yourself, it is difficult to achieve a deep or lasting experience of self-worth.
Perhaps you had the good fortune to receive the love, acceptance, and nurturing from your parents that could provide you with a solid foundation for self-esteem as an adult. Presently you are free of any deep-seated feelings of insecurity and your path to self-esteem is likely to be simple and short, involving certain changes in attitude, habits, and beliefs. For those who have carried a lifelong sense of insecurity, though, the way to self-worth involves developing the ability to give yourself what your parents could not. It's possible to overcome deficits from your past only by becoming a good parent to yourself.
Some Causes of Low Self-Es teem
What are some of the childhood circumstances that can lead you to grow up with feelings of insecurity or inadequacy?
Overly Critical Parents
Parents who were constantly critical or set impossibly high standards of behavior
may have left you feeling guilty; that somehow you could "never be good enough." As an adult, you will continue to strive for perfection to overcome a long-standing sense of inferiority. You may also have a strong tendency toward self-criticism.
Significant Childhood Loss
If you were separated from a parent as a result of death or divorce, you may have been left feeling abandoned. You may have grown up with a sense of emptiness and insecurity inside that can be re-stimulated very intensely by losses of significant people in your adult life. As an adult, you may seek to overcome old feelings of abandonment by over-dependency on a particular person or other addictions to food, drugs, work, or whatever works to cover the pain.
Parental Abuse
Physical and sexual abuse are extreme forms of deprivation. They may leave you with a complex mix of feelings, including inadequacy, insecurity, lack of trust, guilt, and/or rage. Adults who were physically abused as children may become perpetual victims or may themselves develop a hostile posture toward life, victimizing others. Adults-especially men-who were sexually abused as children sometimes express their rage by turning to rape and abuse as adults. Or they may turn that rage inward in deep feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy. Survivors of abusive childhoods often, and understandably, have difficulty with intimate relationships in their adult lives. While less flagrant, constant verbal abuse can have equally damaging effects.
Parental Alcoholism or Drug Abuse
Much has been written in recent years on the effects of parental alcoholism on children. Chronic drinking or substance abuse creates a chaotic, unreliable family
atmosphere in which it is difficult for a child to develop a basic sense of trust or security. The attendant denial of the problem, often by both parents, teaches the child to deny his or her own feelings and pain connected to the family situation. Many such children grow up with poor self-esteem or a poor sense of personal identity. Fortunately, support groups are presently available to help adult children of alcoholics heal the adverse effects of their past. If one or both of your parents were alcoholic, you may wish to read the following books: It Will Never Happen to Me, by Claudia Black; Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Janet Woititz; and Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Herbert Gravitz and Julie Bowden. You may also want to join a support group or therapy group for adult children of alcoholics in your area.
Parental Neglect
Some parents, because they are preoccupied with themselves, their work, or other concerns, simply fail to give their children adequate attention and nurturing. Children left to their own devices often grow up feeling insecure, worthless, and lonely. As adults, they may have a tendency to discount or neglect their own needs.
Parental Rejection
Even without physical, sexual, or verbal abuse, some parents impart a feeling to their children that they are unwanted. This profoundly damaging attitude teaches a child to grow up doubting his or her very right to exist. Such a person has a tendency toward self-rejection or self-sabotage. It remains possible for adults with such a past to overcome what their parents didn't give them through learning to love and care for themselves.
Parental Overprotectiveness
The child who is overprotected may never learn to trust the world outside of the immediate family and risk independence. As an adult, such a person may feel very insecure and afraid to venture far from a safe person or place. Through learning to acknowledge and care for their own needs, overprotected individuals can gain the confidence to make a life of their own and discover that the world is not such a dangerous place.
Parental Overindulgence
The "spoiled" child of overindulgent parents is given insufficient exposure to "deferred gratification" or appropriate limits. As adults, such people tend to be bored, lack persistence, or have difficulty initiating and sustaining individual effort. They tend to expect the world to come to them rather than taking responsibility for creating their own lives. Until they are willing to take personal responsibility, such people feel cheated and very insecure because life does not continue to provide what they learned to expect during childhood.
Do any of the above categories seem to fit you? Does more than one? You may initially find it difficult to acknowledge problems in your past. Our memory of childhood is often hazy and indistinct-especially when we do not want to recall what actually happened. The point of remembering and acknowledging what happened to you as a child is not so that you cain blame your parents. Most likely, your parents did the best they could with their available personal resources, which may have been severely limited as a result of deprivations they experienced with their parents. The purpose of remembering your past is to release it and rebuild your present. Old "tapes" or patterns based on fear, guilt, or anger will tend to interfere with your present life and relationships until you can identify and release them. Once you acknowledge and ultimately forgive your parents for what they were unable to give you, you can truly begin the journey of learning to care for yourself. In essence, this means becoming a good parent to yourself.
The balance of this section will consider three important ways in which you can learn to take better care of yourself:
Acknowledging and meeting your basic needs and self nurturing
Developing skills to meet your own basic needs such as assertiveness skills and relaxation skills
Making time for small acts of self-nurturing on a daily basis
Your Basic Needs And Self Nurturing
Basic human needs conjures an association with shelter, clothing, food, water, sleep, oxygen, and so on-in other words, what human beings require for their physical survival. It was not until the last few decades that higher-order psychological needs were identified. While not necessary for survival, meeting these needs is essential to your emotional well-being and a satisfying adjustment to life. The psychologist Abraham Maslow proposed five levels of human needs, with three levels beyond primary concerns for survival and security. He arranged these levels into a hierarchy, as follows:
Self-Actualization Needs (fulfillment of your potential in life, wholeness)
Esteem Needs (self-respect, mastery, a sense of accomplishment)
Belongingness and Love Needs (support and affection from others, intimacy, a sense of belonging)
Safety Needs (shelter, stable environment)
Physiological Needs (food, water, sleep, oxygen)
In Maslow's scheme, taking care of higher-level needs is dependent on having satisfied lower-level needs. It's difficult to satisfy belongingness and esteem needs if you're starving. On a subtler level, it's difficult to fulfill your full potential if you're feeling isolated and alienated for lack of having met needs for love and belongingness. Writing in the sixties, Maslow estimated that the average American satisfied perhaps 90 percent of physiological needs, 70 percent of safety needs, 50 percent of love needs, 40 percent of esteem needs, and 10 percent of the need for self-actualization.
Although Maslow defined esteem narrowly in terms of a sense of accomplishment and mastery, I believe that self-esteem is dependent on recognizing and taking care of all of your needs.
How do you recognize what your needs are? How many of the following important human needs are you aware of?
Physical safety and security
Financial security
Friendship
The attention of others
Being listened to
Guidance
Respect
Validation
Expressing and sharing your feelings
Sense of belonging
Nurturing
Physically touching and being touched
Intimacy
Sexual expression
Loyalty and trust
A sense of accomplishment
A sense of progress toward goals
Feeling competent or masterful in some area
Making a contribution
Fun and play
Sense of freedom, independence
Creativity
Spiritual awareness-connection with a "Higher Power"
Unconditional love
Now go back over the list carefully and ask yourself how many of these needs you are actually getting fulfilled at this time. In what areas do you come up short? What concrete steps can you take in the next few weeks and months to better satisfy those needs that are going unmet? Going dancing or to a movie tonight will help in a small way with your need for fun and play. The point is that learning to take care of yourself involves being able to 1) recognize and 2) meet your basic needs as a human being. The above list may give you ideas on areas of your life that need more attention
Answer these questions:
How many of these needs do your have (list them)?
What areas are there unmet needs at this time?
What concrete steps can you take in the next day, week and month, to meet those needs?
What are you willing to do today to start meeting these unmet needs?
Self-Nurturing Activities
The following list has been very helpful to many of my clients who suffer from low self esteem, anxiety disorders or depression. By performing at least one or two items from the list every day, or anything else you find pleasurable, you will grow in the important skill of becoming a good parent to yourself. You have nothing to lose but your sense of insecurity and inadequacy-nothing to gain except increased self-esteem.
Take a warm bath.
Have breakfast in bed.
Take a sauna.
Get a massage.
Buy yourself a rose.
Take a bubble bath.
Go to a pet store and play with the animals.
Walk on a scenic path in a park.
Visit a zoo.
Have a manicure or pedicure.
Stop and smell some flowers.
Wake up early and watch the sunrise.
Watch the sunset.
Relax with a good book and/or soothing music.
Go rent a funny video.
Play your favorite music and dance to it by yourself.
Go to bed early.
Sleep outside under the stars.
Take a "mental health day off" from work.
Fix a special dinner just for yourself and eat by candlelight.
Go for a walk.
Call a good friend-or several good friends.
Go out to a fine restaurant just with yourself.
Go to the beach.
Take a scenic drive.
Meditate.
Buy new clothes.
Browse in a book or record store for as long as you want.
Buy yourself a cuddly stuffed animal and play with it.
Write yourself a love letter and mail it.
Ask a special person to nurture you (feed, cuddle, and/or read to you).
Buy yourself something special that you can afford.
Go see a good film or show.
Go to the park and feed the ducks, swing on the swings, and so on.
Visit a museum or another interesting place.
Give yourself more time than you need to accomplish whatever you're doing (let yourself dawdle).
Work on your favorite puzzle or puzzlebook.
How many of these activities do you do for yourself right now? Are there activities that you would like to do that are not listed on this list? If so, do them!
Building Skills To Support Your Self Esteem
Now that you are thinking about building your self esteem, it is important to remember that your self esteem is partially based upon your ability to meet your own needs, your self nurturing and your ability to be successful as a person and as a member of a larger group such as your family, your work group or community. Most often, there are influences from these different groups that negatively impact your self esteem and daily functioning. This portion of the program is designed to provide you with skills such as assertiveness skills and relaxation skills to assist you to further improve and develop your self esteem.
So, You Are Thinking About Asserting Yourself To Help Improve
Your Self Esteem
Assertiveness is an attitude and a way of acting in any situation where you need to:
Express your feelings
Ask for what you want, or
Say no to something you don't want
Becoming assertive involves self-awareness and knowing what you want. Behind this knowledge is the belief that you have the right to ask for what you want. When you are assertive, you are conscious of your basic rights as a human being. You give yourself and your particular needs the same respect and dignity you'd give anyone else's. Acting assertively is a way of developing self-respect and self-worth and self esteem.
If you are phobic or anxiety-prone, you may act assertively in some situations but have difficulty making requests or saying no to family members or close friends. Having perhaps grown up in a family where you felt the need to be perfect and please your parents, you've remained a "people pleaser" as an adult. With your spouse or others you often end up doing many things you don't really want to do. This creates resentment, which in turn produces tension and sometimes open conflict in your relationships. By learning to be assertive, you can begin to express your true feelings and needs more easily. You may be surprised when you begin to get more of what you want as a result of your assertiveness. You may also be surprised to learn that assertive behavior brings you increased respect from others and improve your self confidence and self esteem.
Alternative Behavior Styles
Assertiveness is a way of acting that strikes a balance between two extremes: aggressiveness and submissiveness.
Nonassertive or submissive behavior involves yielding to someone else's preferences while discounting your own rights and needs. You don't express your feelings or let others know what you want. The result is that they remain ignorant of your feelings or wants (and thus can't be blamed for not responding to them). Submissive behavior also includes feeling guilty-or as if you
are imposing-when you do attempt to ask for what you want. If you give others the message that you're not sure you have the right to express your needs, they will tend to discount them. Phobic and anxiety-prone people are often submissive because, as previously mentioned, they are overly invested in being or "pleasing" to everybody. Or they may be afraid that the open expression of their needs will alienate a spouse or partner on whom they feel dependent.
Aggressive behavior, on the other hand, may involve communicating in a demanding, abrasive, or even hostile way with others. Aggressive people typically are insensitive to others' rights and feelings and will attempt to obtain what they want through coercion or intimidation. Aggressiveness succeeds by sheer force, creating enemies and conflict along the way. It often puts others on the defensive, leading them to withdraw or fight back rather than cooperate. For example, an aggressive way of telling someone you want a particular assignment at work would be to say: "That assignment has my name written on it. If you so much as look at the boss when she brings it up during the staff meeting, you're going to regret it."
As an alternative to being openly aggressive, many people are passive-aggressive. If this is your style, instead of openly confronting an issue, you express angry, aggressive feelings in a covert fashion through passive resistance. You're angry at your boss, so you're perpetually late to work. You don't want to comply with your spouse's request, so you procrastinate or "forget" about the request altogether. Instead of asking for or doing something about what you really want, you perpetually complain or moan about what is lacking. Passive-aggressive people seldom get what they want because they never get it across. Their behavior tends to leave other people angry, confused, and resentful. A passive-aggressive way of asking for a particular assignment at work might be to point out how inappropriate someone else is for the job, or to say to a co-worker, "If I got more interesting assignments, I might be able to get somewhere in this organization."
A final nonassertive behavior style is being manipulative. Manipulative people attempt to get what they want by making others feel sorry for or guilty toward them. Instead of taking responsibility for meeting their own needs, they play the role of victim or martyr in an effort to get others to take care of them. When this doesn't work, they may become openly angry or feign
indifference. Manipulation only works as long as those at whom it is targeted fail to recognize what is happening. The person being manipulated may feel confused or "crazy" up to this point; afterward they become angry and resentful toward the manipulator. A manipulative way of asking for a particular assignment at work would be to tell your boss, "Gee, if I get that assignment, I think my boyfriend will finally have some respect for me," or to tell a co-worker, "Don't breathe a word about this-but if I don't get that assignment, I'm going to finally use those sleeping pills I've been saving up."
Assertive behavior, in contrast to the above-described styles, involves asking for what you want (or saying no) in a simple, direct fashion that does not negate, attack, or manipulate anyone else. You communicate your feelings and needs honestly and directly while maintaining respect and consideration for others. You stand up for yourself and your rights without apologizing or feeling
guilty. In essence, assertiveness involves taking responsibility for getting your own needs met in a way that preserves the dignity of other people. Others feel comfortable when you're assertive because they know where you stand. They respect you for your honesty and forthrightness. Instead of demanding or commanding, an assertive statement makes a simple, direct request, such as, "I would really like that assignment," or "I hope the boss decides to give that particular assignment to me."
Which of the above five descriptions fits you most closely? Perhaps more than one behavior styte applies depending on the situation. The following exercise will assist you in identifying your preferred behavior mode when you want something. Lets improve your need meeting and esteem!
What's Your Relating Style Like Today?
Think about each of the following situations one at a time. How would you typically handle it? Would your approach be nonassertive (in other words, you wouldn't do anything about it), aggressive, passive-aggressive, manipulative-or would you respond assertively? Note the style you'd use after each situation. If you have fewer than 25 out of 30 "assertive" responses, it would be useful for you to work on your assertiveness.
You're being kept on the phone by a salesperson who is trying to sell you something you don't want.
You would like to break off a relationship that is no longer working for you.
You're sitting in a movie and the people behind you are talking.
Your doctor keeps you waiting more than 20 minutes.
Your teenager has the stereo on too loud.
Your neighbor next door has the stereo on too loud.
You would like to return something to the store and get a refund.
You're standing in line and someone moves in front of you.
Your friend has owed you money for a long time-money you could use.
You receive a bill that seems unusually high for the service you received.
Your home repair person is demanding payment but has done unsatisfactory work.
You receive food at a restaurant that is over- or undercooked.
You would like to ask a major favor of your partner or spouse.
You would like to ask a major favor of your friend.
Your friend asks you a favor which you don't feel like doing.
Your son/daughter/spouse/roommate is not doing their fair share of the work around the house.
You would like to ask a question, but are concerned that someone else might think it's silly.
You're in a group and would like to speak up, but you don't know how your opinion will be received.
You would like to strike up a conversation at a gathering, but you don't know anyone.
You're sitting/standing next to someone smoking, and the smoke is beginning to bother you.
You find your partner/spouse's behavior unacceptable.
You find your friend's behavior unacceptable.
Your friend drops by unexpectedly just before you were about to leave to run some errands.
You're talking to someone about something important, but they don't seem to be listening.
Your friend stands you up for a lunch meeting.
You return an item you don't want to the department store and request a refund. The clerk diverts your request and offers to exchange the item for another.
You're speaking and someone interrupts you.
Your phone rings but you don't feel like getting it.
Your partner or spouse "talks down" to you as if you were a child.
You receive an unjust criticism from someone.
TOTAL NUMBER OF ASSERTIVE RESPONSES GIVEN=_____
Now that you have taken this measure, you have some insight into your degree of assertiveness and the situations that you are and are not assertive in and how this negatively impacts your self esteem. Please be thinking of these situations as you continue on in this program. If you would like additional information or assistance, contact Dr. Garlock via email at: jagvw@earthlink.net or call my office at (281) 444-2678. I look forward to hearing from you and to assisting you to complete your self esteem skill education and development in the future.
On the next page below, is the Self Change Readiness Scale which is designed to assess your readiness to undertake any sort of personal change. This instrument is designed to allow you to assess whether or not you are ready to complete this program and to initiate a long term program of personal and positive change leading to your being able to improve your self esteem skills successfully. As is often the case, people who are not motivated or under-motivated or who are changing for someone else or for some other external reason, do not often do well when attempting to change an important part of themselves such as their self esteem. If you rate yourself as having "No" answers on 3-5 items on the questionnaire, perhaps now is likely not the time to undertake a program of self esteem development and personal change. You do not want to have a negative outcome because this will likely negatively impact you in the future should you decide that you have other issues that your would like to resolve. You can email us to determine what your next step might be if you are not now motivated to change and to improve your self esteem skills today.
SELF CHANGE READINESS CHECKLIST
Indicator/Factors to consider NO YES
Motivation to change NO YES
Your reasons for wanting to change.are your own and not someone else's No Yes
Are you under coercion eg. spousal or work order or legal matters? No Yes
Do you see your behavior as a problem? No Yes
Do you want to change? No Yes
Have you had any previous successful interventions? No Yes
Previous experience of self change
Have you had any 12 step or therapeutic participation/experience? No Yes
If yes, has this been of benefit? No Yes
If yes, was your attendance acceptable? No Yes
Indicator/Factors to consider NO YES
Personal recognition of depression control problem and its consequences
Are you able to recognize the negative consequences of your behavior? No Yes
Does this cause you personal concern? No Yes
Taking personal responsibility for behavior
Do you have a strong tendency to project blame onto others? No Yes
Are you prepared to consider the concept of personal responsibility? No Yes
Indicator/Factors to consider NO YES
The ability to contribute and actively participate
Do you have some level of interpersonal skills? No Yes
Are you looking for a quick fix? No Yes
Motivation To Complete The Program
Do you agree to participate in and complete the self help program? No Yes
Will you complete any personal assessments that are required? No Yes
Do I Really Have A Self Esteem Problem?
Learning to Be Assertive
Learning to be assertive involves working on yourself in six distinct areas.
Developing nonverbal assertive behaviors
Recognizing and being willing to exercise your basic rights as a human being
Becoming aware of your own unique feelings, needs, and wants Practicing assertive responses-first through writing and role-playing and then in real life
Learning to say no
Learning to avoid manipulation
Developing Nonverbal Assertive Behavior
Some of the nonverbal aspects of assertiveness include
Looking directly at another person when addressing them. Looking down or away conveys the message that you're not quite sure about asking for what you want. The opposite extreme, staring, is also unhelpful because it may put the other person on the defensive.
Maintaining an open rather than closed posture. If you're sitting, don't cross your legs or arms. If standing, stand erect and on both feet. Face the person you're addressing directly rather than standing off to the side.
While communicating assertively, do not back off or move away from the other person. The expression "standing your ground" applies quite literally here.
Stay calm-avoid getting overly emotional or excited. If you're feeling angry, discharge your angry feelings somewhere else before you attempt to be assertive. A calm but assertive request carries much more weight with most people than an angry outburst.
Try practicing the above nonverbal skills with a friend by using role-playing in situations that call for an assertive response.
Recognizing and Exercising Your Basic Rights
As adult human beings we all have certain basic rights. Often, though, we have either forgotten them or else as children we were never taught to believe in them. Developing assertiveness involves recognizing that you, just as much as anyone else, have a right to all of the things listed under the Personal Bill of Rights, beginning on this page. Assertiveness also involves taking responsibility to exercise these rights in situations where they are threatened or infringed upon. Read through the Personal Bill of Rights, reflecting on your willingness to believe in and exercise each one. This will help greatly to improve your self esteem.
Personal Bill of Rights
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet.
I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
I have the right to determine my own priorities.
I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to be uniquely myself.
I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid."
I have the right to say "1 don't know."
I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
I have the right to be in a non abusive environment.
I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have the right to be happy.
Photocopy the above list and post it in a conspicuous place. By taking time to carefully read through the list every day, you will eventually learn to accept that you are entitled to each one of the rights enumerated. This is very important in the development of your self esteem.
Becoming Aware of Your Own
Unique Feelings, Needs, and Wants
It's difficult to act assertively unless you're clear about 1) what it is you're feeling and 2) what it is you want or don't want.
Assertiveness involves saying how you feel inside and saying directly what changes you would like-such as, "I'm feeling upset right now and I would like you to listen to me." If you're feeling confused or ambivalent about your wants or needs, take time to clarify them first by writing them out or talking them out with a supportive friend or counselor. You might also use role-playing with a friend to ask for what you want in advance. Be sure not to assume that other people know what you want: Make your needs known. Other people aren't mind readers.
Practicing Assertive Responses
In learning to be more assertive it is often very helpful to play out your responses first on paper. Write out a problem situation that calls for an assertive response on your part. Then formulate in detail how you'll handle it. A trial run in writing can allow you to feel more prepared and confident when you actually confront the situation in real life. Your self esteem will grow as you become more effective in daily living.
Describing Your Problem Situation
In their book Asserting Yourself Sharon and Gordon Bower suggest that you first select a problem situation you want to address. Write out a description of that situation, including the person involved (who), time and setting (when), what bothers you about the situation, how you would normally tend to deal with it, what fears you have about consequences that would follow if you were to be assertive, and finally, your behavior goal for the situation. Think assertively!
It's most important to be specific in these descriptions. For instance, the following description of a problem situation is too vague:
I have a lot of trouble persuading some of my friends to listen to me for a change. They never stop talking, and I never get a word in edgewise. It would be nice for me if I could participate more in the conversation. I feel that I'm just letting them run over me.
Notice that the description doesn't specify who the particular friend is, when this problem is most likely to occur, how the nonassertive person acts, what fears are involved in being assertive, and a specific goal for increased involvement in the conversation. A more well-defined problem situation might be as follows:
My friend Joan (who), when we meet for coffee after work (when), often goes on nonstop about her marriage problems (what). I just sit there and try to be interested (how). If I interrupt her, I'm afraid she'll think I just don't care (fear). I'd like to be able to change the subject and talk sometimes about my own life (goal).
Exercise: Specifying Your Problem Situations
On a separate sheet of paper write up two or three of your own problem situations. Be sure to specify the "who," "when," "~what," "how" the "fear" and the "goal" as described above. If possible, choose situations that are current for you right now. Begin with a situation that's not very uncomfortable or overwhelming.
Developing an Assertive Response
Now that you've defined your problem situations, the next step is to develop an assertive response for each one. For the purposes of learning assertiveness skills, such a response can be broken down into six steps (adapted from the Bowers' work):
Evaluate your rights within the situation at hand.
Designate a time for discussing what you want.
Addressing the main person involved, state the problem in terms of its consequences for you.
Express your feelings about the particular situation.
Make your request for changing the situation.
Tell this person the consequences of gaining (or not gaining) his or her cooperation.
Let's consider each of these points in greater detail:
Evaluate your rights. Refer back to the Personal Bill of Rights. What do you have a right to ask for in this situation?
Designate a time. Find a mutually convenient time to discuss the problem with the other person involved. This step, of course, would be omitted in situations where you need to be spontaneously assertive on the spot.
State the problem situation in terms of its consequences for you. Don't make the mistake of expecting other people to be mind readers. Most people are wrapped up in their own thoughts and problems, and will have very little idea about what's going on with you unless you state your case explicitly. Clearly outline your point of view, even if what you're describing seems obvious to you. This will allow the other person to get a better idea of your position. Describe the problem as objectively as you can without using language that blames or judges.
Examples
"I'm having a problem with your stereo. I need to study for an exam tomorrow and the stereo is so loud I can't concentrate."
"1 don't have any way to get to the grocery store today. My support person is sick and I'm out of milk, vegetables, and meat."
"It seems to me that you do most of the talking when we're together. I'd like to have the chance to tell you some of my thoughts and feelings, too."
Express your feelings.
By telling other people about your feelings, you let them know how greatly their behavior affects you and your reactions. Even if the person you're addressing completely disagrees with your position, he or she can at least appreciate your strong feelings on an issue.
Each of us owns our personal feelings. Though it might at first seem hard to believe, nobody else causes you to have feelings of fear, anger, or sadness. Other people say and do all kinds of things, but it is your perception-your interpretation-of their behavior that is ultimately responsible for what you feel. You don't necessarily choose how you react to people-yet your reaction is based on your perception of the meaning of what they say or do.
In expressing feelings, always be sure to own your reactions rather than blaming them on someone else. You can still point out what the other person did to stimulate your feelings, but be willing to take ultimate responsibility for them.
The best way to ensure this is by always remembering to begin statements about your feelings with I rather than you. I-statements acknowledge your responsibility for your feelings, while you-statements generally accuse or judge others, putting them on the defensive and obstructing communication.
Examples
Instead of saying, "You make me angry when you don't hear what I say," you can say, "I feel angry when you don't listen to me.
Instead of saying, "You show that you have no respect for me or this household when you leave things lying around," you can say, "1 feel demeaned and devalued when you leave things lying around."
Instead of saying, "You don't care about me or my getting better-you don't ever help," you can say, "I feel very sad and unloved when you don't seem to be helping me in my attempt to get better."
Make your request.
This is the key step to being assertive. You simply ask for what you want (or don't want) in a direct, straightforward manner. Observe the following guidelines for making assertive requests:
§ Use assertive nonverbal behavior:. Stand squarely, establish eye contact, maintain an open posture, and work on staying calm and self-possessed.
Keep your request simple. One or two easy-to-understand sentences will usually suffice, "I would like you to take the dog out for a walk tonight," "I want us to go to a marriage counselor together."
void asking for more than one thing at a time.
Be specific. Ask for exactly what you want-or the person you're addressing may misunderstand. Instead of saying, "I'd like you to help me with my practice sessions," specify what you want, "I'd like you to go with me when I practice driving on the freeway every Saturday morning." Or instead of, "I would like you to come home by a reasonable hour," specify "I would like you to come home by 12 midnight."
Use I-statements of the form:
"I would like ..." "I want to
"I would appreciate it if………………….
It's very important to avoid using you-statements at the point of actually making a request. Statements that are threatening ("You'll do this or else") or coercive ("You have to...") will put the person you're addressing on the defensive and decrease the likelihood of your getting what you want.
Object to behaviors-not personalities. When objecting to what someone is doing, object to their specific behavior-not to an individual's personality. Let them know you're having a problem with something they are doing (or not doing), not with who they are as a person.
It's preferable to say: "I have a problem when you don't call to let me know you're going to be late," rather than "I think you're inconsiderate for not calling me to let me know you'll be late."
Referring to the problem behavior preserves respect for the other person. Judging others personally usually puts people on the defensive. When objecting to someone's behavior (for example, a lack of trustworthiness), always follow up your complaint with a positive request, such as "I would like you to keep your agreements with me."
Don't apologize for your request. When you want to ask for something, do so directly. Say, "I would like you to ..." instead of, "I know this might seem like an imposition, but I would like you to" ..." When you want to decline a request, do so directly but politely. Don't apologize or make excuses. Simply say, "No, thank you," "No, I'm not interested," or "No, I'm not able to do that." If the other person's response is one of enticement, criticism, an appeal to guilt, or sarcasm, just repeat your statement firmly until you've made your point.
Make requests, not demands or commands. Assertive behavior always respects the humanity and rights of the other person. Thus an assertive response is always a request rather than a demand. Demanding and commanding are aggressive modes of behavior based on the false assumption that you are always right, or always entitled to get everything your way.
State the consequences of gaining (or not gaining) the other person's cooperation.
With close friends or intimate partners, stating positive consequences of their compliance with your request can be an honest offer of give-and-take rather than manipulation.
Examples
"If you take the dog out, I'll give you a back rub."
"If you give me the time to finish this project, then we'll have more time to do something special together."
In cases where you are dealing with someone with a history of being resistant and uncooperative, you may describe the natural consequences (usually negative) of a failure to cooperate. If at all possible, any negative consequences should naturally flow out of the objective reality of the situation rather than being something that you arbitrarily impose. The latter will likely be perceived as a threat and may increase the other person's resistance.
Examples
"If we can't leave on time, then I'll have to leave without you.
"If you keep talking to me like this, I'm going to leave. We'll talk again tomorrow."
Sample Scenarios
The six steps of an assertive response are illustrated below:
Jean would like a half hour of uninterrupted peace and quiet while she does her relaxation exercise. Her husband, Frank, has had the tendency to disrupt her quiet time with questions and other attention-getting maneuvers. Before confronting him she wrote out an assertive response as follows:
Evaluate your rights.
I have a right to have some quiet time to myself.
I have a right to take care of my need for relaxation.
I have a right to have my husband respect my needs.
Designate a time.
When Frank gets home from work tonight, I'll ask him if we can sit down and discuss this issue. If it's not convenient for him tonight, we'll schedule a time within the next couple of days.
State the problem situation in terms of its consequences.
I've let you know several times that I need half an hour each day for relaxation and I've even shut the door, but you still come in and ask me questions. This disturbs my concentration and interferes with an important part of my program for managing my anxiety.
Express your feelings.
I feel frustrated when my attention is disrupted. I'm angry when you don't respect my right to have some time for relaxation.
Make your request.
I would like to be uninterrupted during the time my door is closed, other than in cases of dire emergency. I'd like you to respect my right to have half an hour of quiet time each day.
State consequences of gaining cooperation.
If you respect my need to have some quiet time, I'll be much better able to spend some time with you afterwards and to be a good companion.
Sharon would like her boyfriend, Jim, to assist her in regaining the ability to drive on the freeway. Specifically, she would like him to accompany her for a one-hour praclice session every Saturday. She has been reluctant to ask him for several months because of heavy demands he has had from his job.
Evaluate your rights.
I have a right to ask Jim to help me, even if he is very busy.
Designate a time.
This Saturday morning I'll ask him whether he has time to discuss my need for getting his help. If that's not a good time, we'll arrange another time that's convenient for both of us.
State the problem situation in terms of its consequences.
My progress in overcoming my fear of driving freeways has been slow. I've had difficulty finding someone who will go with me on Saturdays, which is the time I can most easily practice. In order to make progress at this stage, I need someone to accompany me, although later I'll be able to practice alone.
Express your feelings.
I've been feeling very frustrated that I haven't had many opportunities to practice driving freeways. I feel very disappointed about my rate of progress.
Make your request.
I'd like you to go with me to practice driving on freeways for one hour every Saturday. I would really appreciate it if you would help me out with this.
State consequences of gaining cooperation.
If you help me with my practice sessions, I'm sure that I'll be able to get over my phobia of freeways sooner. It'll be great for us if I don't have to ask you anymore to take me to all those places that are only accessible by freeway.
Exercise: Developing an Assertive Response
Now it's your turn.
Select one of the problem situations you previously described and write up an assertive response, following the six steps outlined above. You may want to make copies of this page before writing on it. (If you need more room, use a separate sheet of paper.)
Evaluate your rights.
Designate a time.
State the problem situation in terms of its consequences.
Express your feelings.
Make your request.
State the consequences of gaining (or not gaining) the other person's cooperation.
Once you've written out in detail your assertive response to a problem situation, you'll find that you feel more prepared and confident when you confront that situation in real life. This process of methodically writing out a preview of your assertive response is especially helpful during the time when you're learning to be assertive. Later on, when you have a fair degree of mastery, you may not need to write out your response in advance every time. It's never a bad idea, though, to prepare your response, especially when a lot is at stake. Attorneys do so as a way of life because they typically assert the rights of their clients in "high-stake" situations.
Finally, an important intermediate step between writing out an assertive response and confronting a problem in real life is to role-play your response with a friend or counselor. This can be an invaluable tool for developing the nonverbal aspects of assertiveness described earlier in this chapter. It will further increase your confidence and sense of being well-prepared when you come to deal with the actual situation. Assertiveness training, whether done in the context of psychotherapy or in a classroom situation, relies primarily on role-playing as a teaching tool.
Assertiveness on the Spot
Many situations arise in the course of everyday life that challenge you to be assertive spontaneously. Someone smokes right next to you, making you uncomfortable. Someone blasts loud music while you're trying to go to sleep. Someone cuts in front of you in line. What do you do?
Evaluate your rights. Often you'll go through this step automatically, without the need to pause for reflection. The violation of your rights is obvious and perhaps flagrant. At other times you may need to pause and think about which of your rights is at stake.
Make your request. This is the key step in on-the-spot assertiveness. In many cases your assertive response will consist only of this step. Someone interferes with your rights and you simply ask them, in a straightforward manner, for what you want or don't want. As discussed previously, your statement can begin with such words as
"I would like ..."
"I want ..."
"I would appreciate ...
"Would you please ...
Your statement needs to be
Firm
Simple and to the point
Without apology
Nonjudgmental, non blaming
Always a request, not a demand
If the person doesn't immediately cooperate or pretends not to notice, simply repeat your statement. Repeating your request in a monotonous fashion will work better in getting what you want than becoming angry or aggressive if the person you're dealing with is a stranger. Avoid monotonous repetition if you're dealing with family or close friends (with the exception of small children).
3. State the problem in terms of its consequences. This step is optional but can be helpful in on-the-spot assertiveness. If you feel that the person you're addressing might be puzzled by your request, you might want to explain why his or her behavior has an adverse effect on you. The other person may gain empathy for your position in this way, leading to a greater chance of cooperation.
For example:
"Everyone here, including myself, has been waiting in line" (as a prelude to, "Would you go to the back of the line, please?").
"I am allergic to cigarette smoke" (as a prelude to, "Would you please smoke somewhere else?").
4. Express your feelings. If you're dealing with a stranger with whom you don't wish to have any further relationship, it's usually O.K. to omit this step. The only occasion for using it with a stranger is if the person involved doesn't cooperate after you've made your assertive request (for example, "I've told you twice that I'm not interested in your product and you're still trying to sell it to me. I'm starting to feel really irritated"). On the other hand, it's often a good idea to express your feelings when you need to be assertive on the spot with your spouse, child, or close friend ("I'm really disappointed that you didn't call when you said you would," or "I'm feeling too tired to clean up the kitchen right now").
5. State the consequences of gaining (or not gaining) cooperation. In situations with strangers, this step usually won't be necessary. On rare occasions, with someone resistant, you may choose to state negative consequences, although it will be difficult to keep this from coming across as a threat (for example, "If you continue smoking, I may have an asthma attack"). With family and friends a statement of positive consequences may be used to strengthen your request ("If you get in bed by 8:30, I'll read you a story").*
The gist of being assertive on the spot is simply to make your request in as simple, specific, and straightforward a manner as possible. Whether you choose to mention your feelings or the consequences of the other person's behavior will largely depend on the situation. Mention consequences when you want the other person to better appreciate your position. Express your feelings when you want the other person to understand how strongly you feel about what they're doing (or not doing).
Learning to Say No
An important aspect of being assertive is your ability to say "no" to requests that you don't want to meet. Saying no means that you set limits on other people's demands for your time and energy when such demands conflict with your own needs and desires. It also means that you can do this without feeling guilty.
In some cases, especially if you're dealing with someone with whom you don't want to promote a relationship, just saying "No, thank you," or "No, I'm not interested" in a firm, polite manner should suffice. If the other person persists, just repeat your statement calmly without apologizing. If you need to make your statement stronger and more emphatic, you may want to: 1) look the person directly in the eyes, 2) raise the level of your voice slightly, and 3) assert your position: "I said no thank you."
In many other instances-with acquaintances, friends, and family-you may want to give the other person some explanation for turning down their request. Here it's often useful to follow a three-step procedure:
Acknowledge the other person's request by repeating it.
Explain your reason for declining.
Say no.
(Optional). If appropriate, suggest an alternative proposal where both your and the other person's needs will be met.
Use Step 4 only if you can easily see a way for both you and the other person to meet each other halfway.
Examples
"I understand that you'd really like to get together tonight (acknowledgment). It turns out I've had a really long day and feel exhausted (explanation), so I need to pass on tonight (saying no). Would there be another night later this week when we could get together?" (alternative option)
"I hear that you need some help with moving (acknowledgment). I'd like to help out but I promised my boyfriend we would go away for the weekend (explanation), so I'm not going to be available (saying no). I hope you can find someone else."
Note that in this example the speaker not only acknowledges her friend's need, but indicates that she would have liked to help out if the circumstances had been different. Sometimes you may wish to let someone know that under different conditions you would have willingly responded to their request.
"I realize you would like to go out with me again (acknowledgment). I think you're a fine person, but it seems to me that we don't have enough in common to pursue a relationship (explanation), so I have to say no (saying no)."
"I know that you'd like me to take care of Johnny for the day (acknowledgment), but I have some important errands I have to attend to (explanation). So I can't baby-sit today (saying no)."
Its time to stop avoiding our issues!!!
ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING
THE MAIN GOAL OF ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING:
IS TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS AND STAND UP FOR YOUR PERSONAL RIGHTS WHEN YOU CHOOSE.
Once you have accomplished this you should be able to develop a belief in your rights and recognize when they are being infringed upon. One issue to be clear of is that this is a choice and you are the only person that can declare when you need to stand up for your rights. You then must be able to discriminate between appropriate assertive behavior and submissive or aggressive behavior. Once this has occurred you then should develop and practice specific assertive skills. Many programs fall short of their purpose because they do not practice assertiveness. It is very important that you be aware of when you are practicing assertiveness and why. Also, practice being assertive as much as possible and discuss how you felt in the groups.
Before you are introduced into what assertive behavior is you need to know what assertive behavior is not.
NON?ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR IS:
The failure to stand up for ones rights, either by failing to express a feeling or preference or by allowing another person to infringe upon your rights.
AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR IS:
Standing up for one's rights in such a way as to violate the rights of others.
ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR IS:
Standing up for one's rights without denying the rights of others through a direct, honest, and appropriate expression of one's thoughts and feelings.
Assertive Behavior is a learned skill and goes against many social norms. In order for a person to learn this new behavior, he or she will need to define specific boundaries for him or her self. This is accomplished through first understanding what your rights are. Below are a list of your personal rights. If any of these rights have been violated, you have the right to speak out.
ASSERTIVE SKILLS
Now that you have rights, you need to know to gain control without infringing on the rights of others. Assertive Skills (taken from the book Your Perfect Right) are needed to help you gain important information about the person or person's you are communicating with. Once you have the necessary information, you can practice specific techniques of assertiveness. The three skills needed are:
1. Free Information
2. Self Disclosure
3. Open Questions
FREE INFORMATION is a listening skill. Through this skill you are able to listen to what the person is saying or attempting to say. For this skill you will need to look past the specific words and listen to what the person means by their statements. You will need to listen sharply to what the person is saying. Once you have an understanding of what the person is saying or trying to say you will have something to talk about.
SELF DISCLOSURE is an exposure skill. Through this skill you are able to disclose specific information about yourself. Once a person has provided you with information about them self, you can disclose different things about yourself. By using these two skills, good communication can occur. Good communication leads to positive self esteem!
OPEN QUESTIONS are questions that are not usually answered with a "yes" or "no", but instead encourages the other person to elaborate on something they said. Questions like "How", "Where", and "What" are good ways to allow a person to open up you to you.
There is more than one way to send a message!
ASSERTIVE TECHNIQUES
The following assertive techniques (taken from the book Your Perfect Right) are only a selection of the many assertive techniques you will learn. As you begin to use assertiveness on a regular basis you will find that you will develop your own techniques.
1. Broken Record
2. Fogging
3. Negative Assertion
4. Positive Self?Assertion
5. Escalating Assertion
6. Workable Compromise
BROKEN RECORD? This is one of the first techniques you will learn in beginning your assertive behavior. In a nut shell it is calm persistent repetition. An important part of being verbally assertive is to be persistent and keep saying what you want over and over again without getting angry, irritated, or loud.
FOGGING? This tool is needed when you are being accused of a poor behavior. When criticized you, can assertively cope by offering no resistance or hard psychological striking comments to critical statements thrown at you. Agree with the truth, then agree with the odds, and finally agree with the principles. Once you have done this you can then state your personal opinion.
NEGATIVE ASSERTION? This skill allows a person to overcome hostile or constructive criticisms of your fault. This is done by agreeing with the criticism without being apologetic.
POSITIVE SELF ASSERTION? This skill allows a person to state positive accomplishments to others. A person must state positive and appropriate statements about their self.
Its time to stop avoiding our Problems!!!
ESCALATING ASSERTION? This skill involves starting with a minimal assertive statement that you can usually accomplish your goal with a minimal amount of effort and has a small possibility of getting a negative reaction from the other person. When the other person fails to respond and ignores your assertion, you gradually escalate the assertion and become increasingly firm.
WORKABLE COMPROMISE? In using your verbal skills, it is practical, whenever you feel that your self?respect is not in question to offer a workable compromise to the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self?respect. If the end goal involves a matter of your self?worth, however, there can be no compromise.
NON-VERBAL COMPONENTS OF ASSERTION
Words alone do not make a person assertive. In fact, one study concluded that 75% of what a person retains in a conversation is through non?verbal communication. It is for that reason, you need to understand how to be assertive non?verbally. The three areas of body language that relate to basic assertiveness are:
1. Eye Contact
2. Facial Expressions
3. Body Stance
EYE CONTACT? This refers to how well you maintain eye contact with the person you are communicating with. The goal is to:
1. Look the other person in the eyes.
2. Don't shift eyes away from a person when making an assertive statement.
3. Maintain eye contact following an assertive statement.
4. Don't lower eyes when you express negative feelings or say no.
5. Accept compliments with full eye contact.
FACIAL EXPRESSIONS? It is very important that your facial expressions compliment your assertive words. If the two are not complimentary, your impact will be lessened. The goal is to:
1. Keep face firm when you are expressing negative feelings.
2. Let your face mirror your emotions.
3. Smile when you feel like smiling.
4. Use as many facial muscles as you can when expressing
emotions.
BODY STANCE? It is very important that your body posture and stance be in an assertive mode when making an assertive statement. If you are slouched over or you do not project with
your body your message will be diluted.
1. Stand up with your backbone straight.
2. When making an assertive statement lean slightly forward.
3. Use your hands to make your point.
4. Pull your shoulders back.
REFRAMING
When asked about past negative situations or behaviors, it is necessary to reframe the situation in order that a person can see your perspective of the situation. When framing a sentence or response the process would be to put together various words resulting in the conveyance of an idea or thought. In reframing the same idea or thought is arrived at by use of a different
context. The meaning of any behavior or event in life, depends on the "frame" in which that event is perceived, i.e., how we personally view the event and its meaning to our lives. When we change the "frame", we change the meaning.
The process of reframing is not new. Often fables and fairy tales include behaviors or events that change meanings when the "frame" around them changes. The ability to reframe for ourselves can
offer flexibility and insights to our existence. It can help an individual adopt a new attitude toward life events when a new attitude will serve that individual best. It can prevent rigid perceptions and help us see ourselves as others often do.
In conclusion, the main goal for assertive behavior is to allow you to express your opinions and needs to others without violating the needs of others. Though assertiveness you will be in control of your life and have a positive outlook on life.
It's Time to Look on the Bright Side of Life!!!
IRRATIONAL BELIEF'S
It is a dire necessity that we be loved by everyone, and everyone just approve of almost everything we .
We must be perfectly competent, adequate, intelligent and achieving in all things in order to consider ourselves worthwhile
Certain people are evil or inept, and should be blamed and punished.
It is a terrible, awful catastrophe when things don't go the way they should.
Unhappiness is caused by external events, and we have little ability to control or change our feelings about those events.
If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, we should be terrible concerned about it and should constantly dwell on it.
It is easier to avoid life's difficulties and responsibilities than face them.
The influence of the past must affect our present behavior and cannot be overcome.
There is a perfect solution to a problem.
Maximum pleasure comes from always relaxing and enjoying yourself.
When others disapprove of us, it always means we are wrong.
Our worth as human beings depend on how much we achieve or produce.
Problem Solving Tool
Thinking Yourself Back To Reality Exercise:
A Way Of Managing Disrupting And Interfering And Defocusing Thoughts
Thought or Feeling that I am having which is a problem:
What is NOT true about my problematic thought or feeling?
What's the worst thing that could happen in this situation?
How likely is that to happen in this situation?
How awful is the worst thing that could possibly happen?
What could I learn about my assertiveness from this experience'?
What thoughts and actions would help me cope with this situation?
What can I do to counter doubt, anxiety and depressed thoughts/feelings?
What can I do not to repeat this problem situation again?
PERSONAL HABIT BREAKING PROGRAM
STEP ONE: IDENTIFY THE NEGATIVE HABIT BEHAVIOR
You can't break a habit unless you know when and why you perform it. Track down your negative habit triggers and fears:
I ____________________________________ (fill in your negative habit), when________________ (fill in your habit trigger), because ________________________________________________ (fill in your reason).
STEP TWO: EVALUATE THE RISKS AND BENEFITS OF YOUR NEGATIVE HABIT
Your habit offers you short-term pleasure or relieves your stress (benefit), which is why you've held on to it for so long. But, your bad habit also holds you back or undermines your health in some way (risk). Understand the push-and-pull nature of your negative habit and set the balance in favor of the long-term benefits of change:
If I stop ____________________ (fill in name of habit), I'll ____________________________________________________________________________________
STEP THREE: PREPARE FOR POSITIVE CHANGE
Create an environment conducive to the changes you want to make in your life. Remove temptations and stress. The biggest physical obstacles in my daily surroundings to breaking my negative habit include:
___________________ 2.______________________ 3. ______________________________________ 4. _______________
Add good habit reinforcers. The biggest physical assets in my daily surrounding to help me develop good habit behavior include:
1.________________________ 2. _______________________ 3. ______________________________ 4. ________________
STEP FOUR: JUST DO IT! TRY OUT THE HABIT CHANGE PROGRAM!
You're ready to take action and do the hard work to break your negative habit. Worried about a relapse? Learn how to "purge the urge" and overcome your negative habit:
I can't help returning to this bad habit when ___________________________________________________
I'm best at avoiding this bad habit when ______________________________________________________
State your commitment to breaking your bad habit by writing a positive affirmation
Personal statement or slogan you can use as your personal mantra against relapse:
Use the Daily Habit Log on the next page to help you get a fix on the how, why, when, and where of your personal bad habits. At the end of the week, take a good look at the information you've recorded and see what clues it reveals about your negative habit and why you do it. Good luck!
RELAXATION SKILLS
Relaxation is the opposite of stress. Relaxation means that the mind and body are calm. As the mind and body remain in a calm state of reduced arousal, they become refreshed and restored.
Although sleep is essential, even sleep is not pure relaxation. In sleep we alternate between periods of deep rest and dreams, our minds are extremely active. Emotionally charged dreams or fretful sleep can cause us to wake up even more tired than when we went to sleep.
Very effective restoring is done at an even keel, while awake. Although you may not reach the deepest level of rest possible in sleep, the fact that you can steadily remain at a level of reduced arousal can be more refreshing than sleep.
The aim of relaxation, then is to free yourself from stressors long enough to refresh and restore your mind and body. Sometimes it is stressful to be assertive and to stand up for ourselves.
RELAXATION IS NOT...
Relaxation does not mean that the mind becomes dull, or ceases to function. Rather, the mind is focused and alert during relaxation. Mental clarity and greater concentration result from periods of relaxation. Relaxation is not leisure and recreation. As we discussed, these require adaptation. Although these can be useful and satisfying distractions from the world's stressors,
relaxation goes beyond distraction from stressors.
Relaxation is not tranquilizing drugs (alcohol, valium, sleeping pills, etc.). These depress or impair the brain or nervous system, making people less responsive to their surroundings. Relaxation calms the body and mind, but without clouding the senses. In fact, studies show that people who daily practice relaxation actually react quicker to stressors, and recover more quickly than those who do not practice relaxation.
Relaxation in no way decreases productivity. In fact, the reverse is true. Relaxation increases work efficiency because energy is not uselessly wasted. Relaxation does not depend on adopting a new lifestyle or philosophy. Relaxation only requires a few minutes once or twice a day, and an attitude of calm. Like physical exercise, relaxation exercises begin with just a few minutes a day and work up to perhaps 10 ? 20 minutes a day. They can be done anytime (except after meals, when digestion interferes with relaxation), and are especially effective after physical activity.
EFFECTS OF RELAXATION ON ASSERTIVENESS
Research has shown that people who practice relaxation do not get stressed under pressure. They learn to calm unnecessary electrical activity in the brain. As they practice, they become conditioned to remain relaxed throughout the day (The centers in the brain that cause relaxation actually learn to predominate over the unnecessary activity.). Relaxation training also calms areas in the brain that control thinking and emotions, so that responses to stressors are calmer. People who get so excited they cannot think straight, need to calm down first so they can respond
appropriately. This can happen in your early attempts to be assertive when you are just mastering the assertiveness concepts.
Because the mind and body are closely connected, relaxation can be achieved in two ways. First, the body can be relaxed, and the mind will follow. Progressive muscle relaxation, yoga, massage, and biofeedback are examples of this approach. Second, the mind can be relaxed and the body will follow. Meditation, suggestions visualizing peaceful scenes, and soft music are examples of this approach. When relaxation does occur, the racing of the mind and body ceases. The heart rate goes down, muscle tension decreases, and disease symptoms may lessen.
Initially, you may learn relaxation skills to prevent disease. However, as you practice, you may discover a number of positive psychological results. You might find that you feel more in control and happier. The person who is in control can work efficiently, but also can choose to deeply relax when it is appropriate. In addition, relaxation seems to access the parts of the brain where creative thoughts originate. You might remember attacking a problem for hours without finding a solution. Then as you relaxed and "let go" your mind seemed to assemble the pieces of the puzzle and present a solution.
Perhaps this occurred at night in bed, in the bathtub, or on vacation. On the contrary, people who can only work doggedly, and can't seem to let the mind spin free occasionally, get creative insights and hunches less frequently. In spending a few minutes in relaxation, people momentarily stop striving to control and organize their surroundings. They just uncritically observe and enjoy it. People who do this find themselves learning to appreciate and enjoy the beauties of life more. The enjoyment and pleasures that this brings usually improves work productivity and efficiency, but a true relaxation break is even more effective.
Relaxation training often creates a profound serenity, a feeling of calm and joy. Try it! The benefits might surprise you. A good plan is to try each skill for a week or more to find the
ones that best suit you. Relaxation will assist you in your quest to become more assertive!
RELAXATION SKILLS
The skills for relaxation have been broken into two categories 1) Body relaxation and 2) Mind relaxation. It is important that you follow the few simple rules before you start to learn how to relax.
RULES TO FOLLOW
Practice the slow techniques of self relaxation for five to seven days.
Practice at least once every day without skipping a day.
Do not try to speed up the process of relaxation until you have mastered the technique slowly for five day.
If you do not achieve immediate results, do not become discouraged. Each time you practice, it will be easier.
Do not practice in the same position more than twice consecutively.
Change hours of practice sessions.
If you are interrupted during a practice session, always take a moment to "count yourself awake".
This Relaxation Stuff Is Great!!!
BODY RELAXATION
Jacobson, in "YOU MUST RELAX", persuasively maintains that physical?relaxation techniques provide an excellent way to break the cycle of fear, worry, and tension. Observing that physiological tests "indicates that when you maintain or recall anything, you tense muscles somewhere, as if you were actually looking or speaking or doing something". He counsels that the individual should learn to observe the muscular sensations that accompany negative thoughts. Jacobson claims that by relaxing these muscular tensions, ability to maintain the negative psychological state is diminished.
BREATHING
A good place to start is with a simple, yet very effective skill that uses breathing to relax. Breath control is perhaps the oldest known stress?reduction skill, and is common to almost all relaxation skills.
The type of breathing used in relaxation is called diaphragmatic breathing (the diaphragm is the muscle below the lungs; it drops down against the stomach when you breath in, and raises when you breathe out). In diaphragmatic breathing, the stomach seems to inflate when you breath in, and deflate when you breathe out.
There is essentially not movement in the chest or shoulders. The diaphragmatic breath gets air into the lower parts of the lungs, where air sacs are densest, so more oxygen gets into the blood with less effort. It is also thought that this type of breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, a major nerve in the body, which relaxes the body when activated.
Slowly and easily take a deep breath, filling the bottom of your lungs as well as the top. As you breathe in, whisper the syllable "re". Pause for a moment, then breathe out, whispering the syllable "lax". Don't force the air in and out of your lungs; let it flow slowly and naturally: Re?e?e?e (pause) La?a?a?a?x (pause).
Deep muscle relaxation prepares the individual to sleep ? "perchance to dream"? or, if mental alertness is retained, to imagine more vivid and spontaneous visual fantasies than can usually be obtained with normal muscle tones.
I Think I'm All Asserted Out!!!
DEEP MUSCLE RELAXATION
1. Lie down in a comfortable and quiet place.
2. Systematically (a) tense a specific muscle group
(b) study the feeling of tension,
(c) relax, studying the feeling of letting go. (the slash (/) indicates a pause)
3. Clench fists / flex wrists / hands to shoulders, flex biceps / shrug shoulders (touch ears) / wrinkle forehead up / frown / close eyes tight / push tongue against roof of mouth / press lips together / take deep breath, then breath out / suck stomach way in / tense stomach muscles / tense buttocks / lift legs, tensing calves / curl toes down, tensing arches
Review each activity above, letting go tension in each muscle group even more. Feel the peaceful, positive feeling that accompanies deep relaxation.
"Try Not To Be Too Non Assertive"
PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION
Find a comfortable place to lie down or sit down. Remove any constricting clothes or shoes. Make sure that their will be no interruptions, distractions, or noise. Now, relax your body by repeating these words in your mind...
FEET... RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
ANKLES...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
KNEES...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
THIGHS...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
HIPS...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
BASE OF SPINE...RELAX...RELAX...
STOMACH AREA...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
AREA OF THE LEFT LUNG...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
AREA OF THE RIGHT LUNG...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
LEFT SHOULDER...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
RIGHT SHOULDER...RELAX... RELAX...RELAX...
LEFT ARM... RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
RIGHT ARM...RELAX... RELAX...RELAX...
NECK MUSCLES... RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
FACIAL MUSCLES...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
FROM THE SCALP TO THE TOES...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...RELAX...
After injecting your suggestion, you slowly start counting from sixty to zero without stopping. Upon reaching zero, you should slowly start counting from one to ten; give yourself suggestions that on the count of ten you will awaken feeling fine and completely refreshed.
A Few Minutes a Day Relaxing, Can Put You on Top of The World!!!
MIND RELAXATION
One of the best supported concepts in psychology is this: WE FEEL AND BEHAVE ACCORDING TO THE IMAGES AND THOUGHTS IN OUR MINDS.
Thus, as we imagine a peaceful relaxing scene, our bodies and minds relax.
To do this, get in a comfortable position, close your eyes and relax your body. Take a few deep breaths, then imagine the sensations of one of your favorite scenes (sounds smells, feelings, colors, textures, and sights).
IMAGERY
Take a comfortable position, close your eyes. Take 3 diaphragmatic breaths as you let go of the day's tension. Relax your body from toe to head.
Imagine yourself walking along a quiet wooded brook, on a warm spring day...you begin to walk away from the brook out of the woods into a lush green meadow... after a few steps you pause, and leave your worries behind... you continue to walk out into the meadow where you recognize little bunnies hopping through a beautiful carpet of spring flowers...next to the brightly colored flowers you notice a field full of bright green clover, with an occasional dandelion... the flowers are dancing as a gentle wind flows through the field... the soft breeze blowing over your skin soothes and relaxes you... as you feel relaxed you lay down in the field to absorb the heat from the sun... as you look up you begin to make animal shapes from the clouds...you see an elephant, a dog, a clown, a heart, and a bird...just topping the trees you see a beautiful hot air balloon with magnificent colors... you sit up and wave to the pilot... and he waves back...a few birds circle lazily in the sky as the balloon leaves... other birds are singing in the trees... you are peaceful and happy... all is right with the world...
Stay here for a few moments. This is your safe place, and you can return here to rest each day if you wish. You can feel happy, relaxed, and confident when you leave your safe place to continue you day's activities.
Now move your hands, your arms, your legs, and begin to hear the sounds around you. You can slowly open your eyes and begin to see the new world around you.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. This is true, a person needs to have rewards in life. If all a person does is work and work, he or she will become dull and unaware of natural highs. In listing your priorities it is important that PLAY is on that list of priorities.
This means that vacations, weekends to the lake or beach, trips to the movies, eating out, and other relaxing activities need to be in your budget of time. It is helpful to put these play times following the accomplishment of a goal, in order to reward you for your hard work. It is important to be nice to yourself when you are attempting to add new skills such as assertiveness skills to your daily living.
Do You Know How To Play?
IMPROVING YOUR SELF ESTEEM
Self?esteem means the evaluation you give yourself regarding your worth as a person. In general, people who regard themselves favorably cope and perform better in all types of stressful situations. Gradually and systematically raising self?esteem, then, is a significant way to help us cope with stress. It is good to set realistic goals. A deep?rooted belief that one is quite capable, worthy, and "good enough" (despite some real imperfections) is a realistic goal. Feel perfect, all?powerful, or boastful is not a realistic goal. Actually, boasting reflects a need to win the approval of others, High self?esteem people are already secure in their own sense of worth, and do not need to boast. People with high self esteem find it easy to be assertive when needed.
Self?esteem improvements starts by accepting yourself where you are, and growing from there.
SELF ESTEEM PRINCIPLES
High self?esteem people are confident in their ability in principle to learn and do what is necessary to achieve a satisfying life. They don't need to feel totally capable now, to all?knowing now. Instead, they believe in their ability to rise to most challenges.
Do You Accept Praise?
SELF ESTEEM MODEL
We are not always sure which comes first: self?esteem or satisfactory activity. Undoubtedly, they act in a cycle upon each other. In our model we will simply choose to start with satisfactory activity.
1. Satisfactory Activity
2. Sense of "I Can Do What is Necessary"
3. High Self Esteem
1. SATISFACTORY ACTIVITY
This does not imply honors, awards or achievements, although these can be happy results of competent behavior. Neither does it imply that something must necessarily be done perfectly. Rather, it is making sound judgments, or acting competently, lovingly, appropriately, etc. This occurs at distinct points in life and does not necessarily or directly lead to self esteem. For instance, a person who is very successful in business may or may not have high self?esteem.
2. SENSE OF "I CAN DO WHAT IS NECESSARY"
This is an assertive attitude that you have the necessary skills and/or knowledge to handle a situation that comes your way. I means that you are confident that you have made the necessary arrangements to provide time, energy, and space to handle the given task.
3. HIGH SELF?ESTEEM
This is the feeling of a job done right and to your fullest ability. It is compared only to yourself and not to anyone or anything. This if a feeling of doing your best at a given task. At no time should you attempt to compare yourself to other people. If you did your best, you can feel proud of being number one.
I Told You I Could Drive Assertively!!!
WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SELF?ESTEEM AND ASSERTIVENESS
Exercise and meditation
Improve your ability to communicate be improving your vocabulary, communication skills, and grammar.
Enjoy hobbies, which remind yourself of your unique worth.
List as many strengths as you can think of under the same categories of physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and social. Every strength counts, no matter how small it seems.
Do something for others. The psychologist, Frankle, who survived the concentration camps of World War II, states that people find meaning in their lives through touching others.
List your weaknesses under the same categories of physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social. Accept what can't be changed, and change what you feel you'd like to. For example, if you tend to be impatient, resolve to develop patience. Carry an index card around with positive affirmations, such as:
"I AM PATIENT; I HAVE UNDERSTANDING WHEN PEOPLE BEHAVE INCOMPETENTLY."
"I CALMLY EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE WHAT I EXPECT OF THEM BEFORE I GET ANGRY."
"I VIEW UNDESIRABLE EVENTS AS INCONVENIENT, NEVER AWFUL OR CATASTROPHIC."
Read this card throughout the day, or put it on your mirror.
Good Bye Bad Feelings!!! Hello Mr. Feel Good!!!
HIGH SELF ESTEEM AFFIRMATIONS TO BUILD ASSERTIVENESS
I LIKE MYSELF.
I LIKE MYSELF WITHOUT COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS.
ALL PEOPLE ARE OF GREAT WORTH ? INCLUDING ME.
I HAVE DECIDED THAT I AM WORTHWHILE.
I AM CONFIDENT, SELF?ASSURED, AND TRANQUIL.
I BELIEVE IN MY RICH POTENTIAL TO GROW.
I VALUE MY ABILITY TO WORK.
I RESPECT MYSELF BECAUSE I GENERALLY DO MY BEST.
I AM AS COMFORTABLE WITH MY STRENGTHS AS I AM WITH MY WEAKNESSES.
I ACCEPT MYSELF, AND ENJOY STRIVING TO BETTER MYSELF.
I HAVE UNWAVERING FAITH IN MY ABILITY TO PROGRESS.
I AM WORTHY OF LOVE AND RESPECT FROM MYSELF.
I AM WORTHY OF LOVE AND RESPECT FROM OTHERS.
GIVEN THE TIME AND THE DESIRE, I CAN DO ANY REASONABLE TASK I CHOOSE.
I FEEL COMFORTABLE IN SOCIAL AND BUSINESS SITUATIONS.
I HAVE A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION. I CAN LAUGH AT MY MISTAKES.
I DESERVE REGULAR TIME TO RELAX.
SECURE IN MYSELF, I CAN CARE ABOUT AND TOUCH OTHERS.
I DELIGHT IN MY ACHIEVEMENTS, NO MATTER HOW SMALL.
I ENJOY MAKING OTHERS FEEL HAPPY AND LOVED.
This exercise should be repeated daily for two weeks or more. It is helpful to visualize the affirmations upon waking and before going to bed. Try placing the affirmations on a cassette tape, allowing time between affirmations to visualize each as though it is already true. During the day you might work on one or two affirmations. Place them on index cards and refer to it often. During the day write out affirmation 10 times.
Developing Support and Intimacy and Self Esteem
While self-esteem is something we build within ourselves, much of our feeling of self-worth is determined by our significant personal relationships. Others cannot give you a feeling of adequacy and confidence, but their acceptance, respect, and validation of you can reaffirm and strengthen your own positive attitude and feelings about yourself. Self-love becomes narcissistic in isolation from others. Let's consider four pathways to self-esteem that involve relationships with others:
1. Close friends and support
2. Intimacy
3. Boundaries
4. Assertiveness
Close Friends and Support and Self Esteem
When surveys of human values have been done, many people rank close friends near the top, along with career, a happy family life, and health. Each of us needs a support system of at least two or three close friends in addition to our immediate family. A close friend is someone you can deeply trust and confide in.
It is someone who comfortably accepts you as you are in all your moods, behaviors, and roles. And it is someone who will stand by you no matter what is happening in your life. A close friend allows you the opportunity to share your feelings and perceptions about your life outside of your
immediate family. Such a person can help bring out aspects of your personality that might not be expressed with your spouse, children, or parents. At least two or three close friends of this sort, whom you can confide in on a regular basis, are an essential part of an adequate support system. Such friends can help provide continuity in your life through times of great transition such as moving away from home, divorce, death of a family member, and so on.
How many close friends of the type just described do you have? If you don't have at least two, what could you do to cultivate such friendships?
Intimacy And Self Esteem
While some people seem content to go through life with a few close friends, most of us seek a special relationship with one particular person. It is in intimate relationships that we open ourselves most deeply and have the chance to discover the most about ourselves. Such relationships help overcome a certain loneliness that most of us would eventually feel-no matter how self-sufficient and strong we may be-without intimacy. The sense of belonging that we gain from intimate relationships contributes substantially to our feelings of self-worth. I want to reemphasize, however, that self-worth cannot be derived entirely from someone else. A healthy intimate relationship simply reinforces your own self-acceptance, and belief in yourself.
Much has been written on the topic of intimacy and on what ingredients contribute to lasting intimate relationships. Some of the most important of these are listed below (not in any rank order):
Common interests, especially leisure-time and recreational interests. (A few differences in interests, though, can add some novelty and excitement.)
A sense of romance or "magic" between you and your partner. This is an intangible quality of attraction that goes well beyond the physical level. It's usually very strong and steady in the first three to six months of a relationship. The relationship then requires the ability to renew, refresh, or rediscover this magic as it matures.
You and your partner need to be well matched in your relative needs for togetherness versus Independence. Conflict may arise if one of you has a much greater need for freedom and "space" than the other, or if one of you has a need for protection and coziness that the other doesn't want to provide. Some partners may hold a double standard-in other words, they're unwilling to allow you what they require for themselves (such as trust and freedom).
Mutual acceptance and support of each other's personal growth and change. It is well known that when only one person is growing in a relationship, or feels invalidated in their growth by the other, the relationship often ends.
Mutual acceptance of each other's faults and weaknesses. After the initial romantic months of a relationship are over, each partner must find enough good in the other to tolerate and accept the other's faults and weaknesses.
Regular expressions of affection and touching. An intimate relationship cannot be healthy without both partners being willing to overtly express affection. Nonsexual expressions such as hugging and cuddling are just as important as a sound sexual relationship.
Sharing of feelings. Genuine closeness between two people requires emotional vulnerability and a willingness to open up and share your deepest feelings.
Good communication. Entire books and courses are devoted to this subject. While there are many different aspects to good communication, the two most important criteria are that:
The partners are genuinely willing to listen to each other, and
Both are able to express their feelings and ask for what they want directly (as opposed to complaining, threatening, demanding, and otherwise attempting to manipulate the other to meet their needs).
A strong sense of mutual trust. Each person needs to feel that they can rely on the other. Each also trusts the other with their deepest feelings. A sense of trust does not come automatically; it needs to be built over time and maintained.
Common values and a larger sense of purpose. An intimate relationship has the best opportunity to be lasting when two people have common values in important areas of life such as friendships, education, religion, finances, sex, health, family life, and so on. The strongest relationships are usually bound by a common purpose that transcends the personal needs of each individual-for example, raising children, running a business, or commitment to a spiritual ideal.
How many of the above ten characteristics are present in your intimate relationship? Are there any, in particular, that you would like to work on? All of these issues can and will affect your self esteem.
Boundaries And Self Esteem
Just as important as intimacy is the need for each of us to maintain appropriate boundaries within both intimate and other relationships.
Boundaries simply mean that you know where you end and the other person begins. You don't define your identity in terms of the other person. And above all, you don't derive your sense of self-worth and self-authority by attempting to take care of, rescue, change, or control the other person. In the past few years the terms "women who love too much" and "co-dependency" have been used to define those people who, because they lack a solid, internal basis of self-worth, attempt to validate themselves through taking care of, rescuing, or simply pleasing another person. The classic case of this is the person who attempts to organize his or her life around "rescuing" an alcoholic or otherwise addicted spouse or close relative. But loss of boundaries can occur in any relationship where you attempt to gain self-worth and security by overextending yourself to take care of, control, rescue, or change someone else. Your own needs and feelings are set aside and discounted in the process. A good indication of loss of boundaries is spending more time talking or thinking about another's needs or problems than your own.
Two excellent books are recommended if you want to further explore boundary issues in your own relationships. In her best-selling book, Women Who Love Too Much, Robin Norwood advocates the following steps in overcoming co-dependency in a close relationship:
Going for help-giving up the idea you can handle it alone
Making recovery from co-dependency your highest priority
Finding a support group of peers who understand the problem
Developing a personal spiritual life where you can let go of self-will and rely on a "Higher Power"
Learning to stop managing, controlling, or "running the life" of another or others you love
Learning to let go of playing the game of "rescuer" and/or "victim" with the other person
Facing and exploring your own personal problems and pain in depth
Cultivating yourself: developing a life of your own and pursuing your own interests
Becoming "selfish," not in the unhealthy sense of egoism but instead putting your well-being, your desires, your work, play, plans, and activities first instead of last
Sharing what you have learned with others
Another excellent book which carefully defines co-dependency and provides a series of steps for overcoming the problem is Co-Dependent No More, by Melody Beattie. Some of her recommendations include:
Practicing "detachment"-letting go of obsessively worrying about someone else
Letting go of the need to control someone else-respecting that person enough to know that he or she can take responsibility for his or her own life
Taking care of yourself, which includes finishing up "unfinished business" from your own past and learning to nurture and cherish the needy, vulnerable child within
Improving communication-learning to state what you want and to say no
Dealing with anger-giving yourself permission to feel and express anger at loved ones when you need to
Discovering spirituality-finding and connecting with a Higher Power. Is co-dependency an issue for you? Have you considered joining a support group which focuses on co-dependency issues, such as Al Anon or Co-Dependents Anonymous?
Affirmations for SelfEsteem
What I Am
I am lovable and capable.
I fully accept and believe in myself just the way I am.
I am a unique and special person. There is no one else quite like me in the entire world.
I accept all the different parts of myself.
I'm already worthy as a person. I don't have to prove myself.
My feelings and needs are important.
It's O.K. to think about what I need.
It's good for me to take time for myself.
I have many good qualities.
I believe in my capabilities and value the unique talents I can offer the world.
I am a person of high integrity and sincere purpose.
I trust in my ability to succeed at my goals.
I am a valuable and important person, worthy of the respect of others.
Others perceive me as a good and likable person.
When other people really get to know me, they like me.
Other people like to be around me. They like to hear what I have to say and know what I think.
Others recognize that I have a lot to offer.
I deserve to be supported by those people who care for me.
I deserve the respect of others.
I trust and respect myself and am worthy of the respect of others.
I now receive assistance and cooperation from others.
I'm optimistic about life. I look forward to and enjoy new challenges.
I know what my values are and am confident of the decisions I make.
I easily accept compliments and praise from others.
I take pride in what I've accomplished and look forward to what I intend to
achieve.
I believe in my ability to succeed.
I love myself just the way I am.
I don't have to be perfect to be loved.
The more I love myself, the more I am able to love others.
What I Am Learning
I am learning to love myself more every day.
I am learning to believe in my unique worth and capabilities.
I
I am learning to trust myself (and others).
I am learning to recognize and take care of my needs.
I am learning that my feelings and needs are just as important as anyone else's.
I am learning to ask others for what I need.
I am learning that it's O.K. to say no to others when I need to.
I am learning to take life one day at a time.
I am learning to approach my goals one day at a time.
I am learning to take better care of myself.
I am learning how to take more time for myself each day.
I am learning to let go of doubts and fear.
I am learning to let go of worry.
I am learning to let go of guilt (or shame).
I am learning that others respect and like me.
I am learning how to be more comfortable around others.
I am learning to feel more confident in ________________________
(name situation)
I am learning that I have a right to _________________________
(specify)
I am learning that it's O.K. to make mistakes.
I am learning that I don't have to be perfect to be loved.
I am learning to accept myself just the way I am.
There are several ways you might want to work with the above list. The following two methods have been especially popular with my clients:
1. Select your favorite affirmations from the list and write them down individually on 3x5 cards. Then read through the stack slowly and with feeling once or twice a day. Doing this while alternately looking at yourself in a mirror is an excellent idea. You may also want to reword each affirmation in the second person: "You are lovable and capable" (rather than "I am lovable and capable") when repeating the phrases to your mirror image.
2. Alternatively, you can put the affirmations on tape. Repeat each affirmation twice and leave about 5-10 seconds between different statements. Listen to the tape once a day when you feel relaxed and receptive. You are most likely to internalize affirmations when you focus your attention on them fully while in a relaxed state. (Note that you may wish to construct your own list of self-esteem affirmations.
Self Esteem Development
Worksheet Page 1
Date:_______________ Name: ________________________
Welcome to the Self Contracting portion of our mini "Help Yourself" Program. We hope that you have gotten useful information that you can apply in your daily living and are now ready to focus on how to start to implement a program of personal coping and change. The next two pages are designed to assist you to focus on what you want to change and to provide you with a vehicle for coping and change if you want to use it. Please print out these forms and use them whenever you like.
BARRIERS TO SELF CHANGE (What is getting in the way of your coping with the problems you are facing? For example, a lack of energy, a lack of drive, a lack of resources to change, you do not know what to do so you do nothing, you do not have the time to change, you do not have the money to change, etc. List them:
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
SUPPORTS TO SELF CHANGE (What is supporting your efforts for self change and to manage the problems you are experiencing right now? For example, do family and friends help you cope and deal with the problems now; do you read self help books and materials to get support, do you go to support programs such as SOLACE, 12 step groups and self help groups at church or in your community, etc.
List these support activities that you do and plan on increasing them as needed:
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
Self Esteem Development
Worksheet Page 2
What would you like to try that might help you get motivated and moving towards change and what are you afraid to try because you might fail or create a problem?
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
What has been your experience in the past when you have tried to change or modify your behavior? Did you succeed or did not accomplish your behavioral goals? List the positive things you did when you were successful before:
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
List the things that you did before which did not work which got in the way of your personal change and coping with the problems you were trying to address:
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
What are you willing to do this time that is positive and will lead to change?
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
What things should you not do which have negatively impacted you in the past when you tried to change in the past?
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
_________________ ______________________ _________________
Self Esteem Development
Worksheet Page 3
Increasing Pleasurable Activities And
Coping Skills
Use the following questions together with the list of pleasurable activities, to assist in coming up with your own ways of having more fun and of coping with your problems.
What types of things have you enjoyed learning and accomplishing? ___________________________________________
What activities bring you a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction and feeling of accomplishment ? ___________________________________________
What have you enjoyed doing alone?
___________________________________________
What have you enjoyed doing with others?
___________________________________________
What types of things are you willing to start doing today to improve your coping?
___________________________________________
Self Esteem Development
Worksheet Page 4
Self And Partner Coping Assistance Exercise
We soon discover that we can either work together to make it through stressful and difficult periods, or we can fail to support each other, or even turn on each other during times of stress and problems and loss which makes the adjustment process considerably more difficult. You have choices about how you want to handle the problems that you are experiencing and this worksheet will help you to better understand the process that you use to cope with the difficulties in your life.
Fill out the statements on this page independently and then share your responses with your partner, if you have one, and work on it yourself or you can work together to complete the next page if you have a partner in your life.
Complete independently without assistance from your partner:
A. When I am coping with problems, I tend to:
___________________________________________
. When my partner is coping with problems, he/she tends to:
___________________________________________
A. My partner could help me when I'm trying to cope with problems by:
___________________________________________
3.. I could help myself when I am coping with problems by:
___________________________________________
Self Esteem Development
Worksheet Page 5
Date:________________________Name: ______________
Goal:____________________________________________________________
Self Contracting Agreement
I understand that in order to overcome the difficulties that I am presently having
I must decide on what action I want to take and then take the action that I agree to take. I understand that doing nothing will keep me where I am now and I want to change and grow and overcome the problems that I am facing today. I agree to contract with myself in order to help myself grow and develop and overcome the issues that I am facing which are interfering with my ability to cope and to manage my own life and to find the happiness and joy that I deserve. In order to accomplish this change, I agree to take the actions listed below and to give myself the best possible opportunity to be successful in overcoming my present issues.
PLEASE WRITE ALL INFORMATION IN CONCRETE BEHAVIORAL TERMS SO THAT YOU CAN MEASURE YOUR SUCCESS AND OUTCOME.
I agree to complete the following activities in order to meet the goal listed above:
___________________________________________
Outcome measure(s) of success (How I know I will be accomplishing my goal):
___________________________________________
When I achieve success level (How will I know I have been successful):
___________________________________________
If I do not achieve success (What do I need to change to be successful in the future:
___________________________________________
Self Esteem Development
Worksheet Continued
Page 6
What are my consequences I assign to myself for being unsuccessful and not achieving my personal goals and problem resolution? What will motivate me in the future to "get the job done" for myself. What will get my attention and help motivate me to change the behaviors that are getting in the way of success?
REMEMBER: To be successful in overcoming the difficulty that you are having you must complete a contract that you believe in and want to keep. It can even be a daily contract to give you structure for your daily activities. The goal of "Feeling better" must be broken down into concrete steps such as going out of the house, attending a support meeting, going to a movie with a friend, reading supportive literature daily, etc. Do not try to fix too much at one time. KEEP IT SIMPLE!
The goals you set must be related to the difficulties you are having that keep you from being happy and fulfilled and successful. Also, please understand that these goals can change from day to day as you change from day to day. Coping with any problem leads to change and you should be able to identify the changes you are seeking as well as how you will know when you have met your goals. If you have difficulty with this contracting process, email Dr. Garlock at jagvw@earthlink.net and he will assist you via email.
Signed: _______________ Witnessed: ___________ Date: _____________
PROGRAM SUMMARY AND
RECOMMENDATIONS
Now that you have read through the program and, hopefully, started a new program of self change and increased personal coping, I want to personally thank you for taking the time and interest in yourself and in my program. I have spent long and countless hours developing these programs so that they will help you to find the resolution to your concerns. The goal of this program is to assist you to cope with the issues that you are experiencing and to help you find common sense solutions that will increase your happiness and well being.
This program is a mini version of our programs located for sale in our Self Help Bookstore. In addition, even more assistance is available should you decide that you would like to receive my services to help you to fully and effectively resolve the issues that you are presently experiencing. It is often difficult to make the first step to obtain assistance whether it is reading and completing this program or whether it is making the telephone call or writing the email to me. Either way, help is rewarding and confidential and you can be amazed at how much better you will feel when you do not have to suffer in silence any longer.
I would like to invite you to view my practice newsletter at the following url:
www.frnewsletter.com
This newsletter is written with you in mind and I would appreciate your feedback and contribution to it.
Please also take time to go to the homepage of this web site listed below on the link and to visit the "Site Map" on the side bar and learn more about me, my practice and the services that I have to offer you and your loved ones. Whatever your concern might be, I will have helped someone to resolve it in the past and I am ready to help you. The url to the web site "Site Map" is located at:
www.helptochange.com/sitemap.htm
This web site visit and mini program activity may be your first introduction to self help and to my practice. Please acquaint yourself with the information contained in the web site. Please also read by Resume/Vita which outlines all of my degrees, education and qualifications and certifications and professional experience.
You will notice that it is possible to schedule an appointment with me via email, to complete new client forms either electronically or by fax or in person and you can complete the appropriate intake forms electronically or by fax or in person so that you can be ready to initiate services in my practice without delay or paperwork snafus.
I hope that the program that you have just viewed has helped you and hopefully resolved whatever concerns you might have. If you decide to contact me, please feel free to do so.
Dr. John Garlock, LPC, LMFT, LCDC, CEAP
Email address- jagvw@earthlink.net
Telephone Number- (281) 444-2678
Fax Number- (281) 444-0368
Primary Office address:
14300 Cornerstone Village Drive
Suite 227
Houston, Texas 77014
Further Reading On Self Esteem
Beattie, Melody. Co-dependent No More. San Francisco: Harper/Hazelden, 1987.
Black, Claudia. It Will Never Happen to Me. New York: Ballantine, 1981.
Bradshaw, John. Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. New York:
Bantam, 1990.
Brandon, Nathaniel. The Psychology of Self-Esteem. New York: Nash, 1969.
Gravitz, Herbert L., and Julie D. Bowden. Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics. New York: Simon & Schuster (Fireside), 1985.
Jeffers, Susan. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. San Diego: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1987.
Mangini, Shirley. Secrets of Self-Esteem. Canoga Park, California: N.O.V.A. Corp., 1985.
Maslow, Abraham. Toward a Psychology of Being. Second Edition. New York: Van Nostrand Reinhold, 1968.
McKay, Matthew, and Patrick Fanning. Self-Esteem. Oakland, California: New Harbinger Publications, 1987.
Missildine, Hugh. Your Inner Child of the Past. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1963.
Norwood, Robin. Women Who Love Too Much. New York: Pocket Books, 1985.
Whitfield, Charles. Healing the Child Within. Pompano Beach, Florida: Health Communications, 1987.
Woititz, Janet. Adult Children of Alcoholics. Hollywood, Florida: Health Communications, 1983.