Is my Dom b/f going too fast or doesnt know what he is doing?

Question

My b/f of 2 yrs is into bdsm. He is into tying up, ball gags, blindfolds, and pretty sure he wants to further with breath play, wax, and suspension. The problem is I am very claustrophobic. sometimes I am able to tolderate being bound,others I panic. Actually, only when my hands are tied behind my back do I freak, everything else Im ok.
Here is the problem. BF has been doing this for years. We both get frustrated because of my claustrophobia. I asked him to give me a safe word, go slow, only tie my hands in front of me, etc. Nope, he loses all interest the moment I start to panic. He only gets turned on by hands behind back, if the rope is not tight he gets turned off.. He immediately tries to gag me and the moment I panic he stops. he refuses to go slow and doesnt use any loving words. He almost goes into a rape state of mind and it can scare me thinking maybe he wont stop if I panic.. Im not at all afraid of him, I sometimes get an overwhelming feeling of the need to escape when he holds my head down into the bed, or ties my hands behind my back. I love being submissive and if I wasnt claustrophobic would love to be tied. Its killing our sex life and Im afraid its goingto affect our relationship even more going further.
Ive done some reading and and it says a true DOM is loving and goes real slow for his new sub. Is he really dom or just a control freak?

Answer 1

First and foremost, there is nothing wrong with having a healthy, happy relationship based on the D/s dynamic.



Note that I said "healthy" AND "happy". In order to have both, the Dom and the sub have to be at a point in the relationship where the Dom is able to care properly for their sub's needs and ensures that the level of play remains at an appropriate level of care and kink at the same time. Their sub will need to know and trust that the Dom will always have their safety (and sanity) first and foremost throughout the scene.



Also note that not all D/s partnerships need or require a safeword. It is possible to have a perfectly safe D/s relationship or scene where no safeword is needed - *provided that the Dom and sub know each others hard limits extremely well, and that both partners are completely able to read each other well*. That way, if the sub is in distress, or something just doesn't "feel right" for them, the capable, caring Dom will sense that. They will either end play immediately, or reassess the situation and ensure (by talking to the sub) that they change whatever it is that's being done so that both partners are content and secure.



Again, safe words are *NOT* an absolute requirement, but they do help keep things from getting out of control. My girl has a safeword (and she's used it a few times during our scenes), but hasn't always had time to use them. I can think of at least one time where I accidentally hurt her, and she didn't have the opportunity to safeword. I sensed that something was wrong, and we stopped immediately, while we talked about the moment, and I ensured that she was ok. By showing such care for her, it allowed her to relax so that she requested that we continue where we had left off.



Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case here. Your boyfriend's lack of empathy for his submissive is particularly worrisome. A Dom *must* care for their sub, even if only a little (although, let's be honest, more is better), else the wellbeing of their sub is at risk.



You're claustrophobic. That's a hard limit, unless you've told him you are interested (and able) to push that limit a bit. If you're not, and he doesn't seem to recognize that (or care), then this is probably a good sign that you need to walk away from this, and him, right away. If you don't, the likelihood that he will hurt you worse, later, is almost inevitable. Find a guy with your level of kink, and who is able to recognize (and respect) your needs and your limits.

Answer 2

It looks like everything for the most part has already been said so I'll keep this short. (Well done communist...... that was a very well written answer).



I've been involved with BDSM for years on both sides, it's very clear that you're not M/s so you can ignore the answer just before mine as the whole relationship needs to be M/s and not just him. I've had the pleasure of training two girls for long term relationships, this is very much the sort of thing that separates a skilled Dom/Master from an arrogant and unexperienced one. If you look at any positive form of training you'll find that yes there is a strictness, yes there is the M/D/T pushing the s/s/b but there is also the M/D/T taking care of the s/s/b both physically and emotionally. If a person is not able to look after the physical and emotional welfare of those serving them, then they have no right to try and influence their welfare in the first place. The best example that I can actually give oddly enough is a training style for M/s and not D/s, while again it sounds like you're looking more for D/s than M/s, but the aspects of actually caring for your property is the same.

Answer 3

I don`t know much about it, and I am no psychiatrist, but honestly, he sounds dangerous to me.



There is a theory that control-freaks (sadists) need a stronger and stronger frisson to get turned on. Obviously this means they need to go further and further with their sadistic fantasies - that is why they can be dangerous.



The `victim` or the submissive need to trust their partner 100%. Trust them with their life in fact. You need to really know someone to do this, and people - all people - are notoriously deep and complexto really understand. Most of us do not even understand ourselves, or how far we would go.



I would be very careful of allowing your bf to go so far. It wouldn`t be the first time that sexual practices like this have ended in someone`s death. It has happened quite a few times throughout history.

Be warned.

Answer 4

If you're willing to try bondage for him even with your claustrophobia, he should be willing to make the effort to make sure you feel safe. Talk to him about this. If he really loves you, he'll go slow for you. If he doesn't even care enough to try to make the sex good for you too, then he doesn't deserve you.

Answer 5

Sounds like life with this person would go from depraved to whatever is worse than depraved. I agree with those who recommend you find yourself a man who doesn't require seeing you in panic and pain to get turned on.

Answer 6

If he is M/s and knows what he is doing, I don't see an issue.



If he is D/s then yeah he has to coddle you like a vanilla as it is primarily a vanilla relationship.

Answer 7

I would drop this guy like a bad habit. Find a guy into normal sexual practices, and let him skulk around S&M clubs while you get on with your life.



Before he kills you cut him loose.

Answer 8

"...rape state of mind ..." -- That is exactly it.

If it's not what you want, then time to move on.

Answer 9

He's a jerk.......... find someone else