What can you do to open their eyes... can you force the truth?

Question

I am close to someone (now 22 y/o) who was raped and molested by her dad as a child. I know that this person is not alone and that other females in her immediate family were molested as well.
A couple of years ago, one of these women tried to come fwd to press charges, but found out that the statute of limitation was exceeded, so she couldn't do anything about it. However, it shedded light on it and 4 of her family members came fwd, claiming to have been through the same thing.
She has a younger sister and nieces and we have reason to believe that he has done it to these girls, too... not only that, but her own mom KNEW about it and did NOTHING to help (she actually walked in on several incidences).
I know this is a touchy subject, but she won't admit it to her very tight-knit family nor herself that this happened (or happened to the others). She continues a relationship w/ her dad and even encourages him to see her children. She talks about how much she "loves him."

Answer 1

Before you read this, understand that I'm an a**hole and I believe in tough love. I believe in the mental break down and rebuilding.



Now, having said that, sit her down with the family memebers that came forward and make her confront her past. Make her look it in the eye. She is scared of him, that is why she wont come forward. He still holds power over her. That's really all most rape is about anyways, who holds power.



The fact that her mom knew is the saddest part, and make the mom confront it as well. You just have to force it. It's like putting your baby in the play pin with the kids that have chicken pox. Yours will get it eventually, and you do so b/c you love the child and don't want them to get it later on in life.



You make her realize what happened is wrong because you love her, and tell her that. You are doing this so that he can't hurt anyone again, and if he already has (never make her feel guilty) then he needs to be stopped before it gets worse.



This is why there are so many child beatings and why women stay with men that are not good men. They grew up with their mother not doing anything so they think they can't do anything. Their father put them in a world where it is the "woman's place" to do these things. I'm all for changing that world.



Good luck to you, and I hope I helped

Answer 2

We have a similar situation in my family. Here's my view: The parent / child relationship is such an important one that breaking it is not a good idea, for the mental health of the Victim. Really! It is healthy to keep normal family affection alive, but when there's an abuser around, The Contact Situations Must Be Kept Safe. (! ! ! !) I.e., The Man Must Not Be Allowed to Be With The Children Alone, And, The Mother (the "former" victim) Must Always Have an Exit Plan and An Escape Route when dealing with her father. Never Omit This! Those precautions taken, the family can enjoy the good things about each other, Realizing That At Any Moment the Grandfather May and Absolutely Will Revert to His Former Habits. At which time, and every time, the victim with her children just calmly and automatically and Immediately use their exit strategy. The difference between assault and molestation is a successful exit.

Answer 3

Hello Nicky G

You have a real toughie here. But I must ask you to consider one thing - what are their feelings about the issue?



It is understandable that you really want to help your friend, and I 'm sure that you mean very well, and that you feel justice must be done.



Remember, my girl, sometimes issues have a way to work themselves out. Time is a wonderful thing, and as you said, she is now 22 and it happened when she was still a child.



Don't you think that maybe her dad turned a new leaf or maybe she thinks that love is the best forgiveness for him? I know I might sound like a preacher or something now, but it is true. Love heal all wounds.



Ask yourself why is it really that you want to pursue somebody elses problem?



Always remember, sometimes it's better to just be a shoulder to cry on than to fight someone elses battles. Unless they ask for help. Or if you can see that it is life-threatening of course.



Hope this helps, if you need to talk, mail me.



TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIEND AND GIVE HER UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!



Tina-B

Answer 4

To answer your question...no you can't force the truth, in fact forcing it may make so much distance between you and your friend that you'll lose her.

This guy needs to be behind bars, that is a fact.

There isn't much you can do until she comes to the realization that what he did was wrong and that her view of him is very skewed. Many people who are abused by a loved one have a very different view of that person than people who can see them for what they are.

Girls/women who are abused by their dads want to please them, some believe that if they are just "good girls" maybe daddy won't do that anymore. Perhaps that is why she encourages a relationship between him and her kids. She is paying some debt she feels she owes him.

I know it doesn't make sense and its hard to understand the mind of someone who has been so traumatized and abused.

Be her friend, love her and support her....when she finally realizes that he is pond scum she is going to need you.

Answer 5

There really is no answer for that. She is going to have to come to the realization that that is not how a father shows a daughter love before she sees it as wrong. and she probably resents the other family members because it sheds light on something she doesn't want to see. Until she realizes this for herself there really is nothing you can do. just be there for her as a friend with out trying to Psychoanalyze a situation she doesn't see yet.

Answer 6

Sadly; there's nothing you can do. Some people are so traumatized by events like these that they *literally* forget it. It's the only way they can deal with it and keep any semblance of sanity; it's the subconscious hind-brain kicking in to salve the forebrain. I had something traumatic happen to me in childhood, but thought it was just a nightmare, till years later evidence started cropping up in conversations and incidents recalled as *fact* by other people. I was lucky in that aspect: I had to face that my own mind was lying to me, what happened happened, and I had to work through all the emotions of pain, shame, and so forth. Again, unfortunately, my answer to your query has to be no. She has been slammed hard with reality, but now she's consciously CHOOSING to ignore it, and someone that far gone down the path of denial can only reel themselves out of it, IF/when they're ready.

Answer 7

Wow this is a very delicate subject but you should try to convinced your friend to go counseling, or perhaps find someone who cant talk to her (counselor) and let her know that shes not the 1st one neither the last one, and that what was done to her and these other girls is not right, and definitely not ok and that matters should be taken upn. If not simply just dont let her kids be around this man for their own safety. Maybe you could report it with Child Protective Services and let them know that you fear for their well-being and shes your friend. Good luck

Answer 8

Well first if you think the children now are being abused you should contact the children's services in that area, tell them the story and hopefully it will encourage an investigation. They will be examined by a doctor who can tell if they had been abused and for how long.

Answer 9

In this situation, she can only be helped if she wants to be... but there are children. Those childrens cant help themselves and should be taken care of no matter what. This definately calls for an intervention. If she doesnt care about their well-being it would be better off if someone else cares for them.

Answer 10

God help this girl. she is blind, she wants a relationship with him so bad she'll turn her back on her own children. it won't stop try to make her see it and get her counseling. how can a mother let him do this, maybe that's why she's turning her back. keep talking to her for the sake of her children, if someone opens their mouth, they can get him put in jail. hope someone is strong enough!

Answer 11

sounds like there is something terribly wrong with her that has her tramatauzed. I'm so sorry. I was abused as a little girl by my g'ma's boyfriend. and you never deal with it completely. I was forced to act like nothing had happened for years. He is not a part of my life anymore and defenetly don't want him in my sons.

Answer 12

Wow...no matter what you say to this girl, its not going to change how she feels/thinks about her dad. She has to come to that realization by herself. And hopefully she will one day.