Conversation is innate to humans. You can rely on this as you start a conversation. People will be remembering this, not needing to learn new skills as much as they will be recalling a skill that is deep in our species' memory.
But it's often somewhat scary to think about hosting a conversation. To make it easier, we suggest:
Start with a few friends. This is how all powerful change initiatives begin. Some friends start talking.
Start talking about what you really care about. (a subject, a recent event, something that just happened) Meaning is what motivates people and calls us into the conversation.
Form as a real circle. In a circle, everyone is equal. Thus, the form itself is crucial to a good conversation. No one should be in back, and the circle shouldn't wobble around. An easy test for a circle is this: Everyone can see everyone else. If latecomers stay outside the circle, or people gradually shift out of the circle, stop and recreate yourselves as a circle, with everyone visible to everyone else.
Use a talking piece. This is any object that can be passed around. It can be a pen, a cell phone, or something more meaningful, such as a special stone or object. The talking piece has two rules: 1. You don't speak unless you're holding it. 2. You try and speak truthfully while holding it. (These rules come from Native American and African traditions.)
There is no easier way to change power dynamics, or to facilitate thoughtful conversation. A talking piece slows the pace of conversation down, and when someone is speaking too long, it's much easier to signal that you want the talking piece than to tell them to stop talking. You don't need to use it constantly, but it's very helpful when you're just getting started, or when the conversation heats up and too many people are talking at once, or when one person keeps dominating.
Check-in and check-out. At the start of the conversation, pass the talking piece around the circle. Each person checks in very briefly. State at the start how much time you want people to take. Start with whomever wants to start, and then pass the talking piece clockwise around the circle. The check-in can be a few words describing how I'm feeling, or why I'm here, or what I hope might happen. In this process, everyone gets to speak, and thus their voice enters the circle. Check-out is similar, and closes the conversation. Start with whomever wants to go first, and then pass the talking piece counter-clockwise. Each person says a few words about the conversation, what was meaningful, important, distressing, helpful, etc. (The direction in which you pass is taken from Native American traditions.)
Experiment with good listening. Conversations rely on good listening, and this is one skill we may have forgotten completely. One helpful means is to ask people to listen for the differences in what people are saying. Instead of trying to find those who agree with you, listen for who is saying something new and different.
Another means is to ask people to try and notice when they've stopped listening, when they've wandered off in their attention, and to just bring themselves back to the conversation.
That's all you need to start a good conversation. You will know it's been a good conversation if:
People move toward the center of the circle. They lean into the conversation.
Voices become quieter. The entire room grows more quiet.
People don't want to stop. Time passes very quickly.
People express surprise over how quickly they moved into deep conversation, even among strangers, and how satisfying that felt
People want to do this again.
Additional conversation guidance
Continuing the Conversation
If your group continues, and you will be in conversation over time, you will benefit by exploring techniques to deepen and grow the conversation. We recommend the work of Christina Baldwin and Ann Linnea, found at www.peerspirit.com. We have used their work at The Berkana Institute and found it to be a very powerful means for deepening conversation. At their website, you can download a "Basic Guidelines for Hosting a Circle" booklet. Their method works for groups up to about 30 people.
Conversation among large groups
Intimate conversations can be hosted for very large groups (1200 people is the current benchmark) using The World Café process. This is a superb process for developing intimate conversations among a large group of people, and weaving those conversations into collective knowledge and wisdom. We have used this process many times in Berkana's work. See www.theworldcafe.com. This site provides guidelines and principles for hosting a café, information about many different types of cafés, and links to many other conversation projects and resources