Wife wants to adopt instead of having own children?

Question

My wife does not want to have her own children. She wants to adopt instead. And the main reason she gives is that she does not wants to undergo all the pain and is more concerned about her looks. I had never given much thought to this and I am very confused. It'll be nice if I can get some general opinions.
Thank you.

Answer 1

I can understand this kind of thinking for sure, especially with the (unfortunately) value our society puts on a person's appearance. However, my concern here is the child. I have three children, and trust me when I say (and my wife agrees) that the birthing and body adjustment are the LEAST of your worries with children. If your wife is that emotionally fragile, I doubt she can and will be able to handle the stress of having a child around the house, the teenage years, etc.



And I guess my other thing is, who is she trying to save her looks for? You need to ask yourself if you are putting any additional pressure on her about her maintaining her looks. If so, shame on you. If not, good for you, but bad for her, because that makes me think she wants to keep her options open if she decides she's done with you.



IN ADDITION TO THIS FROM EALIER: Look at the answers from those who HAVE kids vs. those who are THINKING about having/adopting kids. There is a BIG difference from those of us who are/have been there.



Just my 2 cents worth. Good luck man.

Answer 2

Just wondering if you don't want to have your own children, why you want to adopt? Do you understand what adoption is about? The fact there is a multi billion dollar industry out there where women and children are being separated in the name of adoption? I suggest do a lot of research before considering adoption further and find out the reasons there is a growing body that is totally against adoption... there is always a valid reason why someone is against something. Have you though about Foster Care and permanent care? That would be giving a home to a child who needs it. Why not do both? Foster and have your own children?

Answer 3

Run don't walk away from this women. Didn't you talk about this before you got married?



Adopting seems to be a humanitarian thing to do but for the right reasons. Adopting, depending on the age of the child, in the majority of cases is a life long struggle. Every person I know that was adopted or adopted a child themselves has had a very difficult time. Needless to say, you have to be fully committed. If you and your wife are in a very stable and committed relationship, you might have a chance. But if you already have problems communicating or others, this will intensify every issue you have.



When you adopt, you really don't know the total history of the child. You are immediately behind the 8 ball. The first 24 months of care a child receives, has so much influence on who they will develop into. If they received unempathic care from uncaring caregivers, in the those first 24 months, you will have a lot of work ahead of you.



Also being afraid of hurting her looks by having a child is a sign of serious narcissism and that isn't a great trait to have when caring for and raising another human being. If you're wife is afraid of the pain and strain of child bearing, it might be worse adopting because the pain might come later.

Answer 4

There's nothing wrong with adopting. Since I was age 12 I never wanted to have any children and i'm 22 now. Some of the reason may be that she doesn't want what you were discussing. But my real reason was because I felt that there are too many children in the world without parents and why be selfish and have my own when I could help another child?

Answer 5

Does she definitely want to have children period?



There are some women who dont have the burning desire to have children, and if they do, they would mostly want their own I would think.



I don't get the vanity part of it all. Losing your looks to have your own child? So what? What looks is she afraid to lose? She'll have stretch marks, most women do, not all, but most. Her body will go through the nature process of change. Eventually it will anyway, unless she doesn't plan on aging ever.



The pain can be bad for some, not so bad for some. That's why there's drugs. I didn't have much pain and to be honest, I don't remember it anyway.



So long as you're ok with it but not having your own blood children, adopting is a great option. There are many children waiting to have great homes with loving parents. Adoption can take time and money though, for us normal folks who aren't Madonna and can go drop 3 mil for a kid. And alot of times it's a longer wait for a baby. There's lots of options out there if you have the time to research them.



I would just make sure she really wants to be a Mom. Once you are one, you're one til you die. That's how I view it anyway.



JMHO.....good luck to you.

Answer 6

On the surface, it may seem shallow, but pregnancy does take a toll on most women's bodies. This is something that men have never had to deal with. I'm inclined to believe that if men were the childbearers, there would be a lot more adoptions. There are also a lot of children out there who need a good home, so I'm all for adoption. I can understand, though, it you want to have a child that is biologically your own. If it is really important to you, then she should take your feelings into consideration. If you feel that you can live with adopting children, then go for it. If neither is willing to compromise, I'm sorry to say, that this will cause an irreconcilable rift in your marriage. There is just no middle ground there. Maybe you could talk her into having just one. Good luck.

Answer 7

Having children was not discussed before marriage? Adoption is normal,there are alot of children in this world that need loving homes and parents. And deep down inside there are probably other reasons why she wants to adopt,Fear of pain is normal and all the weight gain and stretch marks. I myself have 2 girls 16 and 13.My oldest daughter discusses about how she never wants to have children either,because of pain and being afraid of needles. She says if she ever decides to have children she's going adopt, and I encourage ....but also tell her to wait till she's older and wiser.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,But I think some woman are just not capable of going through the physical or mental parts of pregnancy and I think that's normal. Let your wife decide,because if you push her into having "your own",she may recent the baby.

Answer 8

Sounds like you married someone very shallow and you didn't know it???

If she is willing to adopt "unwanted" babies, such as ones that addicted to drugs or from another country, it can be a very unselfish thing. However, sounds like she would be the type to want a "perfect" baby. If this is the case be prepared to be on a long waiting list and/or have a lot of money and you will be taking a baby from another couple who may not have a choice in the matter.

Perhaps divorce would be a better option for you!

Answer 9

There are so many unwanted children that are in need of a good home that adoption is a wonderful choice.

Not all women were cut out to have children of there own. Did you not know this before you were married that she did not want to have her own children?

Answer 10

Hmm... U sound a bit detached from the situation. Like u're "cool" with both options. You are asking for opinions, this is good & normal. However, this is a very personal matter. I think adoption is fine. Having ur own baby is great as well. But what do YOU think? what do YOU feel? ... In my opinion, this is too personal a matter to ask for stangers' views. As u can see, many of us are OK with both, no judgement.



Good luck

Answer 11

You can't imagine the stress that child bearing is on a female. My wife (6 months ago) was in labor (that means total, immense pain) for 14 hours and only dialated 3cm. Ended up with a C-Section. Adoption is definitely the easy way out.

Answer 12

I am in the same boat as your wife. I can totally admit that I do not want to have a baby because I'm selfish. I don't want the pain OR have my body possibly messed up. What's the big deal with adopting. Regardless to whether she adopts a drug addicted/disfigured baby or a "perfect" one at least you/she would be helping a less fortunate baby. It bothers me when people tell me that I am selfish because I do not want to HAVE a baby. Why is it wrong to not want to bring another child into the population when I can adopt one that is already here?



Just because the baby isn't biologically yours doesn't mean you won't be daddy.

Answer 13

Adopting is good. If you can, adopt children. Maybe after you and your wife adopt children, she will decide to have her own children. So then you will have many children, and you all will be happy.

Answer 14

adoption is great, many kids need families. not sure what your question is but there is nothing wrong with your wife wanting to adopt a child instead of giving birth.

Answer 15

God bless her!



I think it is a great idea. Adoption gives many many kids a second chance for a good life. I think you should go for it!

Answer 16

There is certainly nothing wrong with this option. But...I would want my own children too. Maybe you can have one natural and then adopt one.

Answer 17

you got a problem buddy !

adopting might be a good idea at the moment but you and your wife will never never NEVER love/care about the child like you do for ur own child.. lets face it

i think its better to face it now than face it later in the future

cause sooner or later it WILL be a problem

try to talk to ur wife ... get her a doctor .. let other moms talk to her .. let them inspire her ..

its not ur job to adpot kids who got no moms/dads ,, its a sad thing that their perants left them but still its not ur job,, always thing with ur brain not with ur heart my friend



good luck

bye

Answer 18

She better adopt an 18 year old then, because babies cry and keep you up and night and need to be fed and cause you worry and concern, which makes you feel old and tired because you have little time to shower or put on makeup. Better just get one of those little robot dogs.

Answer 19

That seems rather shallow of her and selfish by not considering your feelings. Didn't you discuss this before you got married? I would think you did so refer back to those conversations when talking to her.

Answer 20

it's lot of pain to give birth and i would be scared too. but that won't stop me from having my own child. if she doesn't want her own child cuz of pain then i can understand, but if it's about her looks, then it's just stupid.