How do you live a life that you hate?

Question

I am a 35 year old woman. I am incredibly lonely an depressed. I have one friend and she is twice my age and finds it difficult to understand me. I am scared of everything. I have a crappy job, really crappy, and am pretty much supported by my parents.

I never intended my life to turn out like this. I had always imagined a future full of family and happiness. But as the years ticked on so did my life. I never knew what I wanted to be when I "grew up" and still don't. Of course I have dreams but those take a lot of money and still most likely will fail.

I know one of my main problems is that I am fat. I have let that hold me back from doing many things. I let it run my life. Three years ago I began walking and I lost a lot of weight. I thought that this was going to give me the confidence to become a different person. But that is not the case...

Two years ago I met Nelson. He came into the store I work at and asked a question, a random question, but one I had a lot of interest in. I started talking and twenty minutes later I realized I had said enough. He left and that was it. But it wasn't, for the next year he came into the store about once a month and one day bought me earrings. I had already fallen for him at this time but I was confused by him. It wasn't until almost a year after he first came in that he told me he liked me. We had so much in common, he seemed just right for me.

This was the first time a man had every liked me. I had never had a boyfriend, been asked out, kissed, and you can guess the rest. The only problem was that I was pretty sure he was either married or separated. We met up a week later and I asked him and he said "if you have been with someone that long I guess you are married". Now before you hate him...it was my choice also. I could have turned away. But after waiting so long to find someone and someone who excepted me for who I was I couldn't just let it go. No one had ever "liked" me before and it felt nice. That day I got my first hug. I was in love before we even let go. It felt so good to feel wrapped up in someone you care about. I never wanted to lose that feeling. It was about three weeks later that he did admit he was married and had a little boy and was scared to lose him.

Before I even continue I know what you are thinking...he played you. It was all for sex. It wasn't...we did have sex, but not for quite awhile and not overly often, we mainly snuggled and talked and laughed. I realized after awhile that he would and could never be faithful to any woman, he has been hurt so much in his life that I think he is incapable of loving anyone or truly trusting them. I told him he could tell me anything that I already knew his secrets and I would be there for him, but he just couldn't let go.

He became my everything. I have no friends, except one older lady, twice my age, and my mom and sister. I am very lonely and he came into my life at a time when I was desperate to experience a connection with someone. We had a pretty good year, definitely filled with ups and downs, but fun. These last few months have gone down hill fast. He is no longer interested and instead of ending it face to face he chooses to ignore me. That's how he deals with everything.

I am completely depressed. I have no place in this world. I have gained back all the weight I lost, and am uglier than ever. I have no friends and pretty much live alone. I wake up alone every morning and go to bed alone every night. With or without Nelson my life is sad. I am not a social person and I do not make friends easily.

Most people think the answer(s) is/are simple. There not simply. I'm tired of hearing...let's think of something you can do to keep your mind off things or someone else will come along, like it is that simple. I'm 35, only one person has every been interested, how is anyone else going to come along. How is finding something to occupy my mind going to keep me happy when I am still all alone.

Answer 1

Hello Phineas. One of the biggest problems I see is that you suffer from very low self esteem. Before you can love any other individual you have to love yourself first. If you like yourself, you will like the people you naturally meet, and they will like you. If you don't like yourself, you will waste energy trying to get with people who aren't like you, or you will settle for being with someone you don't like.



There are two solutions to this. The first, and most important, is to learn to like yourself and build your self esteem. The second, is to turn yourself into the person that you want to be.



Once you adopt this mentality or one like it with regard to yourself, you will start seeing others the same way. The truth is, you probably are attracted to the opposite sex equivalent of you, it's just you're also turned off to them, for the same reasons you're turned off from yourself. Accept yourself, and you will accept them.



Many people think that their drive to improve themselves stems from the things they don't like about themselves. Feelings of inadequacy, dissatisfaction, or just dislike and hatred for yourself actually won't change, no matter how much you improve yourself. It is the feeling that needs to be dealt with, not whichever reason you rationalise at the time for feeling it.



It's actually easier to change and improve yourself once you accept yourself. The same negative feelings of self-non-acceptance lock us in to being those things that we want to change. Change the feeling first, and the specific details will sort themselves out.



There are self-help books you could read, but in my opinion, you would benefit more from attending a group therapy session with people suffering from low self esteem, plus it will give you an opportunity to mingle with other people outside of the ones you speak with when you're at work. You indicate you are not social, but honestly, how do you expect to meet people outside of those that come to the store? That is very limiting.



Have you ever considered seeing a psychologist for help? That's another option for you to consider.



Nelson had no right to approach you romantically, and you know that. Even before you said Nelson was no longer interested in you, I saw that coming. Stay away from married men at all costs. As you experienced, you will always end up with a broken heart. The other thing to think about is if a married man cheated on wife with you, don't you think he'd cheat again with someone different? Once a cheater (man or woman), always a cheater.



Phineas, you really have work to do to start building your self-esteem and truly liking yourself before you should consider getting involved in any relationship.



I really hope you'll consider my suggestions.



All the best to you.

Answer 2

If you believe in the same God who gave you life than he is not judging you yet at age..18 ! You are your worse enemy, stop being so judgmental & stop making excuses to remain sad! If you can't come up with an attitude to live a happy content life than cry all you want. Even a brick has more self confidence in itself, because even a brick wants to be something ! Good luck

Answer 3

you need a weight loss life coach.... I'D enjoy helping if you real want things to happen and want to put in the time; contact info on my profile page.

Answer 4

Just keep on keeping on like everybody else does.

Answer 5

im to lazy to read more than the first paragraph but its good it turns me on