Please advise - would like a male's perspective as well?

Question

Hi .. I dont know how to begin and where to so that everything will in sequence. I am very upset right now.. I fell in love with a married man. yes its a taboo and morally wrong and all that and i know. But I dare to say that i truly thought that it was over with him and his wife. He told me they were separated and I recently found out that all that he fed me was lies. I lost a lot in this relationship and it kills me daily when i think that he is happily living it up and everything is working out well for him.
When i met him he was a lonely, sad and cash broke man. He told me his wife abused him and that she was not happy with what he made which was about two thousand dollars. He is a restaurant manager. He never told me that his wife was pregnant and when he did tell me, it was the day after she gave birth. On the night she gave birth he even came by to where i worked to say hello to me in the evening. Later he told me that the youngest, a daughter - the third child in the family was not even his. He earned my empathy. I wanted to set this man straight. I resolved to work him and make sure he started feeling better about himself. When at this point he told me he wanted to walk out of his home- i said no. Because i felt that regardless of whether the child was his or not, his wife had just given birth and this was not the time for him to walk out. I wouldn't wish this on myself and It will be devastating for a woman especially with 3 young children. There was good and bad that came out of this.
I made his life, mine. Our dates revolved around his restuarant, his work. I did his proposals. Waitressed and cashiered. And was available 24/7 for him as and when he needed me to talk about anything that he wanted to. We discussed his work and his staff. I got along very well with his staff and alot of people though suspected that he and i were an 'item' they also believed that i was his brains and back bone. One of his staffs told me this. Believe me in 3 months - he was promoted and within 5 months, saw yet another increment in his salary. He was no longer broke and was finding respect and the manliness that he was not seeing earlier in his community. He always made it known to me that I was the woman behind his success and i took note NOT to gloat and let myself soar in my heart for my success because by this time i was already suspecting things were better at his house. Insecurity set in within me.
Then one day he fell ill and he changed altogether. He told me that he was suspecting that it was stomach cancer. I went out of order. I prayed daily in the mornings on my prayer mat. I would wake up and I was terribly scared that he might just die. Imagine waking up daily at 4 am to pray and each day with tears and hope that he will recover. His test results came and it was ulcer. Than his fangs started showing. Increasingly he cancelled our dates. He cancelled our Friday dates. Each day all i got from him was Gdmorning B. LU - which meant - gdmrng baby. love you. He started to tell me that his children were his priority and that even I was not anymore. That hurt alot. After all that I did for him. But I gave in. I told myself that if his happiness and his heart was with his children then I should let him be. One of the reasons i loved him so much was because he loved his kids. Even when he told me he wanted to leave his wife and children, he always said that he wanted to make sure the boys had funds. But the truth was he was in demand now. His wife and he worked out their differences which is fine.
All i asked of him when we were together was to be upfront with me. To tell me he was working things out at home if he was because i do understand that children were involved. BUT he always and always told me that his daughter was another man's child and that his wife had had many men and that he will never forgive her for what he had been subjected to and the humiliation of being with her. I understood his feelings from a male's point of view. I truly loved him. I thought he was perfect, tender, responsible and kind. But directionless. There is more and it doesnt get easier.
I eventually broke up with him without a word concluding that if he wanted to work things out with his wife - i should let him since there were children involved. I refused to take calls and just started missing in action. Got a few where are you messages and soon that stopped when i refused to respond. I was really trying to be civil and control my emotions and not act on the rage and madness and sadness that I was going through within me. I want to highlight that as much as I have given and done for him - I am an attractive and a fiesty person. I live by my rules and am cheerful. I believe that people have a right to their choices. which was why i started seeing him and which is also why i decided to stop seeing him. And than more madness started. One of his wife's ex boyfriend starting looking me up on facebook.I di

Answer 1

Way too much information... uhhh.... stay away from him. It'll eat at you and you'll feel miserable. But in time you will recover. But you must understand that at any point that something happens where you can learn from the experience then it was the right thing to do, for at least you. Because it's what we learn four the experience which makes the experience. You also need to understand that most things in life are beautiful and uncooperative. And although that desired cooperation may never come or may just rarely come, it doesn't make those things any less beautiful. Take whatever you can that will positively benefit you and discard the rest. Try not to focus on "learning on this mistake" or any mistake, but merely keep your eye on the prizes in life. The reason I say this is because if you observe dogs you'll find that there's two main behaviors. There's the Bad Dog behavior that behaves as though it's been beaten. It could be in a loving home and still act this way... and sometimes its genuinely been beaten. And if you look at their behavior they seem to learn from mistakes because they get a lot of negative reinforcement... and that's what learning from mistakes is... feeding yourself negative reinforcement and it eventually eats at the very core of your being. Where as the Good Dog will focus on anything and everything it can to get its treat and its love. It learns from the rewards in life and in the end does everything that the bad dog is trying to do and more. It avoids pain and it embraces life.



As you go through this painful process of moving on and removing yourself entirely from this situation involving this married man, just keep the words I've said in mind. Don't just tell yourselves the ideas and the philosophies. But visualize the imagery, feel it. Because a philosophy in life is never fully implemented unless its emotionally recognized. I would also seek out some self hypnosis MP3's and you can find some free ones on the net... I know downloads.com has some. Hypnosis may sound weird to you but I've been studying it on and off for about two years and I'm actually hypnotizing my friends and actually improving their lives... they understand I'm not a licensed hypnotist but how can they say no to positive results.

Answer 2

very sad. you have invested time,effort,emotions and part of your life in a guy who once he found confidence and only with your help has improved his life to a point he no longer needs you.

overall he has decided to live and stay with wife. I suspect due to so many lies he was insular and selfish all the time.

not a nice man at heart. you would do far better to write of this poor example of a man and move on. painful..yes, no joy or gain can be found wasting another hour thinking about him or yourself. I do hope you find more luck and an honest man for your self . please don't let this expedience put you off all men for life. we are not all bad.

Answer 3

If you feel guilty and used like a spare you should. You found out this man was MARRIED and you decided to have relationship with him outside his marriage. You could have left before you started catching feelings but you wanted a relationship with a married man and you wonder why it ended like it did and why you're so hurt??? Everything you had was built out of sin,,how can anything good come from that?? You knew better

Answer 4

I'm sorry, but what is your question? The best thing I can tell you is not to pursue a married man. If the guy doesn't even have feelings for his own children's welfare, do you think he could have feelings for you?

Answer 5

this is way too long for yahoo answers