Once again, should I stay or should I go?

Question

Ok, about 3 months ago I moved in with my boyfriend and our wedding's booked for next year. Since the start of our relationship he's made this big thing of how he loves me more than he's loved anyone, how open and honest he's always been with me etc, etc. I've NEVER been a jealous person before I was with him. About 2 months ago, I caught him lying when he said he sent a text to his cousin. It did in fairness turn out to be his exes daughter, who I never would have minded him texting, but this opened a mass can of worms. I had a niggling feeling he'd been lying to me more than that but for the next week he swore that was the only one and he'd never lie again. I then found out he'd been texting his ex and another girl the week after that. He swore it was only once or twice a month and they were all innocent and that I'd found everything out this time. I then asked for his bills and he lied and lied about his provider messing up, when it turns out he'd never asked for them. I eventually got the bills last week and over a period of months he's been texting them whenever he wasn't with me, up to 45 times a day some days. He again swore they were innocent and sorry he'd lied again, and again swore I'd found everything out. I didn't believe him so I bought a sim card and text one of the girls pretending to be him. I then found out that although nothing physical had happened, they'd been sending each other dirty texts and dirty pictures of themselves to each other. I left him for a few days but I want to try and make it work. He's agreed to see a counsellor and he's swore AGAIN that this time I have actually found everything out. I'm struggling with my confidence now, and I feel that everything he's ever said to me has been a lie, and I'm so hurt that he was texting these girls even after we moved into our first place together and after my mam and dad forked out a fortune on paying for our wedding! I thought we were getting along great and it's just devastated me that he's done this after all the promises he's gave me.

Has anyone done this to a partner before? If you have, please explain how it's possible to love a person and be willing to do this to them!! Am I being a mug for giving it a last chance and hoping I can ever believe him? The fact that he's agreed to see a counsellor is my last thread of hope. Any answers appreciated (yes, even ones telling me I am in fact a mug!!)

Answer 1

This is awful I am sorry to hear what he has done. My bf and I have been together for about 4 years and at one point in the relationship things went bad and I ended up texting another guy (not dirty though) and I met up with him for a drink that was all(nothing happened). After it I was guilt ridden and told my bf he dumped me etc but we are now back together and have been so good since then. Sometimes it takes a glitch in the relationship to make it better. It certainly did for me. Maybe now he realises he has done wrong and that you are the woman he wants to be with so he will change and realise that nothing compares to you. That has happened to me anyway. I wish you well and I suppose you can give him a second chance and if he seeking counselling then he must be serious about you.

Answer 2

This is where you blew it:

"Ok, about 3 months ago I moved in with my boyfriend and our wedding's booked for next year."



Over the past 30 years or so cohabitation prior to marriage became the norm in our society. However, the guy thinks, "Why by the cow when you can get the milk for free". Then they start lying, cheating etc. They feel then that they don't have to work for anything because it's all laid out on a silver platter for them.



What you need to do is to move out, and get your own place like today.



He only went with the proposal to con you into moving in with him. I would bet he's not paying all of the bills either.



I'm sure you are by now emotionally involved. That's going to take time to undo maybe some counseling for yourself as well.



You were very smart to watch for the red flags, and act on them. Follow through now, and always demand respect but also show respect for yourself.



Believe me you don't want to be looking over your shoulder checking cell records, and emails for the rest of you life.

You already have enough evidence to walk. Yeah, you catch 'em they admit it say they're sorry, and do it again. Kinda like a kid ya know? My jerk moved a drug addict into his house behind my back. I did not find out about it for 2 months. He said they were just friends, and there was nothing going on. She ended up committing suicide 10 months later in his house. I ditched him as soon as I found out. He had lied for years. I gave him many chances, but he's a proven loser.



I hope you now have moved out. You've had time since you asked the Q.

Answer 3

Ask your self this, will you ever 100% trust everything he tells you? Will there always be doubt in your mind about things? I know it'll be so difficult to not get married to him now when it's all arranged but if he's doing this now when your happily engaged and in the best stages of your relationship, what about when your pregnant or have put on weight after kids or your just going through a bad stage. Will he go and find some fun somewhere else then?

You'll never be able to trust him again and i don't think it'll ever be the same. He too comfortable with lying to you and now you know it.

Don't marry him at least put it off until your sure.

Answer 4

He has already proved to you, several times, that he is NOT trustworthy at all. He continued to lie to you everytime he got caught! I'm sorry hon, but this relationship has already been sunk by him. once the trust is gone there is nothing left to work on in the relationship. He did this to you. YOU haven't done anything wrong yet. Staying with a liar and a cheat will be the first thing if you stay with him. NO amount of counseling will turn a liar and cheater into a nice guy. Believe me. I know for sure. Don't waste anymore of your time and heart on this one. It's time for you to move on. Don't marry a guy who you know is a liar and a cheat.; YOU are just asking for heartache for years to come. Don't keep on and on forgiving him. YOu 've taught him nothing but the fact that you'll let him get away with it time and time again. Leave now while you've got a scread of dignity left. Don't be a door mat for this mug.

Answer 5

I know it's really hard to let go of someone that you have any sort of attachment to, emotional or not. For instance, your parents forking out a ton of money for the wedding is an example of a non-emotional attachment that is likely hindering you from making a decision about this. I think it would be a good idea to have a talk with your parents (I know you're an adult, but this does involve them a bit, because of the money) and try to figure it out from there. That's if you decide to let him go.



But really, think about what you think is right for you, and don't worry about money or wasted time or anything like that. Do you really want to share your life with someone who has been dishonest with you from the get go? Or do you want to learn from this experience to avoid making the mistake of "picking up a snake" again? It's all in what you think is right for you, but do what seems the most logical. Having this burden continuing to follow you in this relationship could result in an ended marriage due to you just feeling like he's always lying, him having an affair, or him leaving you. Just think about the future, and be glad that you're realizing this now, and not next year in wedlock.



Best of wishes!

Answer 6

Well I have to applauded you for seeking advice but why from a person who has done this?

My wife has lived with a man who always lied and there was no trust between them. But he had other problems also and always from what I have heard from her said the same thing your boy friend says, "You found out everything", lol. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Trust is easy to break and hard to regain. So if you are going to give this a swing then let him know that. Tell him that you are going to forgive but you can't forget, that is just the way human nature is. Maybe God can forgive and forget just in the blink of an eye but we are human. And if he is going to want to gain your trust back it is going to take time. You may say you believe him but in the back of your mind it is saying something else until you proved what he said to be true or false. So if he loves you like he says he does then he better start walking on needles and know anything he tells you it will be ether checked up on or uhh, well checked to see if true or not.

The Bible teaches that there is safety in the multitude of counselor's. That is why before my wife and I got married we went to three different counselor's. And believe you me that was the best thing to do as the first girl that started counseling with me, it just didn't work out. Our beliefs was different as I don't celibate Christmas or any of the other holidays most Christians do and she did. Don't get me wrong I am a Christian but I choose to follow the same Holydays that Jesus kept, trying to follow in His footsteps.

So back to you, if you do feel the same towards him as he says he feel towards you, then it is your move. I know it is going to be heard to start trusting him again but it is possible, but like loosing a loved one it is going to take time. But do keep following up on anything he says. And if you have the money well see about getting a P.I. But don't know how he would check up on phone texting or viewing porn. I mean you can do that.

Hope this helps and have a Blessed Day.

Answer 7

Ohh dear, I feel for you. I can't see things getting any better here. Maybe you are staying with him because in some way you need to learn something from this, even if that learning is just not to be sucked into things like this again. There was a guy at my last work who was a notorious cheater, he kept coming after me. I got close to him then knowing he was a cheater pushed him away. He had met someone and was engaged to be married when he continued to send explicit emails to me which I never responded to. I can only see you getting hurt in this situation. x

Answer 8

How long have you known this guy?

Try and get your parents money back, a divorce will be worse.

He is still playing games and not taking the relationship serious.

You are not being a mug. Take an extra year 12 months at least to see if he does improve. You are already living with him so wait on the marriage thing.

Answer 9

one yet another merchandise on the record of things that want one gender on a similar time as completely brushing off SAHDs. '5. A scholarship recipient shall no longer get carry of a funds refund for any scholarship moneys no longer used; besides the undeniable fact that, any scholarship no longer used shall stay on account until that's utilized by utilising the recipient for destiny training.' Sounds stable, yet could have been greater advantageous if it addressed SAHPs greater often than no longer. Now, how does pointing this out come decrease than 'complaining'? 'The "subsidy" is barely $six hundred and constrained to academic purposes. it is not plenty a subsidy as a tiny incentive to get an training.' -- i assume the factor being made here is this favors one gender on a similar time as ignoring the different -- no longer plenty approximately how plenty the quantity is, through fact the beneficiaries don't get any earnings hand. 'besides the undeniable fact that it is not needed. it is purely yet another much less costly ploy to bribe females to stay at domicile. ' -- i do no longer certainly see it as a ploy to bribe females into staying at domicile. i think of that some SAHMs will certainly be benefited by utilising this. subsequently, i myself help this. i'm basically worried that it is not consisting of SAHDs. besides the undeniable fact that, I agree -- enable it is for the two, or enable it is for none!

Answer 10

Obviously, he is a bit insecure about telling you the truth. Lay down the line and show him who is boss. Tell him that if you catch him lying to you one more time, then serious issues will arise. If it happens again, then no more warnings for him. Tell him you are leaving. Because no one wants to live with a liar. You won't ever be able to tell whether he is saying the truth or not. And that's just one more problem that you will have on your mind.

Answer 11

just texting once or twice a month is bad enough with an ex but the amount of times he has text is just ridiculous.Then there is the content of the texts.Ask yourself does your ex still send you that type of stuff.I think you will find the answer is NO.

you know exactly what to do but you are afraid to take that step,and as someone who has just split up with their partner,i know how difficult it is and will be to do...but you are worth more than this and you are too good for him so move on and find someone who really appreciates you.good luck!

Answer 12

He could be telling the truth this time. I regretfully was going through a bad patch with my bf, i ended up cheating on him. He found out, we broke up but he gave me a second chance and I've been faithfully ever since but he drives me insane everytime I go out, see my friends, text somebody, email - he also reads everything...I haven't got anything to hide but the fact he doesn't trust me anymore drives me crazy when I haven't done anything since.

Give him a second chance if you truely think he is sorry, if you are going to check up on him - don't let him know about it. Obviously its going to take sometime to rebuild trust...maybe you should delay the wedding?

Answer 13

he is selfish and immature...and maybe you should postpone the wedding until he matures.



i was a dirty dog for years... often having more than one gf at a time. i was immature and didnt care who i hurt. i hurt some very nice and sweet girls whos only crime was loving me. it took 38 years but i finally matured and was able to be honest in a relationship. i will be marrying by the end of the year...and not once do i think about contacting exs or meeting other women. im not saying your man is as bad as i was... you can call it insecurity, fear, validation...but whatever it is, its not your job to correct him. let him know he needs to grow up or get used to not having you around.

Answer 14

Oy vei! He's a liar. I married a man like that. I was so in love I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. BIG MISTAKE! He continued to lie, continued to cheat and finally he left me for another woman.

Take heed young woman, he will not change.

Good luck.

Answer 15

Are you sure you want to live with a liar/cheater for the rest of your life?

If you don't then maybe it's time to move on to a better man that won't lie to you.Good luck on whatever you decide!

Answer 16

I understand your situation, but if he's lying about this stuff now, how can you trust this person for the rest of your life? If I were you, I would move on. I wish you the best of luck! :)

Answer 17

He is a child, not a man, and certainly not a person you will ever be able to trust.The cat is out of the bag,Dump him before you get to deep.Without trust you have nothing.

Answer 18

loose this guy, he is obviously someone that can't be trusted, girls now adays don't know how to get rid of their bad boyfriends too forgiving now adays. You should find someone that will treat u better theres always someone else better out there

Answer 19

Once a liar, always a liar.



"I didn't mean to lie about sleeping with my ex. It won't happen again."



"I didn't mean to sleep with that stripper. It won't happen again."



That's what he sounds like. You should really ditch him. He's just going to hurt you more. Besides, just like you said, maybe he is lying about everything.

Answer 20

Trust is a VERY IMPORTANT part of a relationship, if you don't have that there is no way it will work.



Need I say more ? Time to move on I think.

Answer 21

There is insufficient trust in your relationship for marriage,

The other issues are superfluous unless you can both deal with that.

Answer 22

this man is disonnest but i think he loves you but to him its like an obsession if hes doin coucelling u should rely on him but if u must u should regulary check his phone and the bills. if he dose not stop then maybe you should think about leaving him :(

Answer 23

if he is lying about a simple little thing like that imagine what else he might be lying about. do some digging!

Answer 24

I really think you should break up with him because he OBVIOUSLY hasn't heard of the word " trust".