Sexual abuse...help?

Question

I was sexually abused years ago for 2 years when I was about 5. It had a massive effect on me, although it doesn't always show. People think that I am constantly upbeat and genuinely a happy person. I am the opposite underneath. I've spoken to mum about it several times and she says that I don't need to speak to him(abuser) or a dr about how I am feeling seeing as though I have gone this long without it affecting me...I feel like noone is listening to me when I say how serious this problem is. I want the help but I am scared of it going onto my medical record. I just want to get the whole thing out of my system and out of my head for good. I am sick of the nightmares and the paranoia. I havent had anyone to talk to this about. I wrote letters that were never sent to help me deal with this but its not enough. I need advice...please help me. I am sick of that pervert affecting my life after all these years. ( I am 19 now). Any suggestions will be a real help...

Answer 1

Hi Laura. When I was a child of about 12, I was sexually abused by someone we knew. I was abused for about 3 or 4 years. I grew up telling no one about what had happened to me. Inside me I was a very very confused person.I went through high school,my teens and my twenties.My outlook towards life was that somehow everything was my fault. I did not have anger inside me or revenge or hatred. I was completely dead.to the outside world I was a very happy go lucky, cheerful and always jolly bloke. but inside me I really did not have any emotions.

My logic was completely twisted. I thought he did to me what he did because he loved me. That was my idea of love. ( I am not gay)Then came my thirties and I started to change inside. I started to look into spirituality,started to read about my religion and started to acknowledge that it was never my fault. I was not at fault about what happened to me.I then spoke to my girlfriend for the first time. I felt a sense of relief.then very slowly I started to let go of it by not thinking about what had happened to me.

I then started to speak about it to my brother and my sister.they wanted to kill the person who had abused me.

then I got married,had two children.But I never had any closure.

I am a decent person. I learnt about forgiveness and love and being a husband and father to my beautiful children

.For some years now I have let go of it.It does not haunt me or disturb me anymore. I can talk about it without feeling upset or angry.

Then a couple of years ago I decided that I wanted closure. I knew where the person who abused me lived. So one day I went to see him.I met him,I had a coffee with him and I said that I forgave him.and then I came home. That was the day when I had closure. For me the greatest gift that a human being has is the gift of forgiveness. I have done my part. I am now 57yers old.

Laura you should speak to some one professional, a counsellor or doctor. In my day we did not have access to doctors and counsellors like now a days. The sooner you speak to a professional the sooner you will be able to get back to normality. Please speak to someone real soon. do not listen to your mother. She has not got your best interest in her heart.

Answer 2

You do not need a counseller

or a shrink

or a doctor

or anything like that.



And the reason your mother wants you to get on with it is because if it came out then it would make her look bad for not doing anything about it when it was happening, irrespective of if she actually knew or not, that is just the way the world works.



The fact that you are admitting something as dreadful as this has happened to you and you are admitting it in public (although you are still relatively hidden behing your screen) means that you are nearly half way to exorcising the demons within yourself.



As probably most others have said, what happened to you was in no way your own fault, although it is something you have had to deal with.



Perhaps you have a really close friend that you could discuss this with or perhaps you feel that they would think less of you if you did.

It is definetly a tricky situation.

My only true advice to you would be to consider and ask yourself what way you think you can work this out. I am not saying you have to deal with something like this solely on your own, but what I mean is ask yourself, do you say to so and so or to somebody else. do you tell them everything or hold back on some stuff.



You also mention about something like this going on your medical record, well I am pretty sure that this would never happen.

What you may want to consider is maybe speaking to your doctor or gp and ask for some advice, they may well be able to point you in the correct direction.



But remember the final decision on how you handle this has to come from yourself, it is the only way that you can truly solve it.



I hope you all the best and hope everything works out for you.

Answer 3

All I can really say is see a doctor, doesn't matter how long you have gone without talking about it obviously it does affect you, and on a real level where you are conscious of the problem but feel unable to deal with it. It can be difficult to get help, abuse it seems does not mean instant help, also many doctors as well as people in general do feel if it happened a while ago you don't need the help, which is the total opposite, it's had time to fester and not only do you have the initial problem itself but all problems that have occurred as a result – I don't know you, but I think I can safely assume this effects you if not on the level of depression then perhaps the way I which you interact with people or deal with things on an emotional level.

Answer 4

But your mother is wrong, it is affecting you. A lot. Unless you do the work to heal from this, it will go on affecting you for your whole life.



It's not an easy problem to get past -- I know, because I've watched more than one person I love struggle with it. I think your mother is mistaken, and that it would be a big help to you to go to go talk with a good therapist (probably something like weekly for several years). If you want, it should be easy to get your therapist to keep his or her records out of your general medical records.



While I understand your desire to keep this secret, you don't actually need to feel that way: you are the victim, not the perpetrator. You didn't do this: he did it to you. You didn't want this. There's no stigma attached to the fact that someone committed a crime against you, and there's no reason why you need to keep this a secret. You're just in the habit of feeling that way, a feeling that it's very likely your abuser deliberately instilled in you.



As well as strongly encouraging you to go talk to a psychologist, I think you should also seriously consider going to the police and reporting the man who abused you. Depending upon the legal details of the case, they may or may not be able to prosecute 14 years later (personally I hope they nail the b*st*rd to the wall), but at the very least you should be able to get a restraining order to ensure he stays far away from you. Even if you can't get him thrown in jail, you might very well be able to sue him for the harm he has done to you.

Answer 5

What you are seeking is what psychologists call "closure". An end to the matter, and it's effect on you. You lost something precious to you. What you are suffering is grief. Grief has several stages that finally lead to acceptance, release and closure. Trouble is, people can get stuck anywhere along the way, and never move through the stages. It sounds like you're past denial, but stuck somewhere between anger and bargaining...

The nightmares and paranoia are clear indicators that you are holding on to your emotions instead of releasing them. You say that you are sick of that pervert affecting your life after all these years. Guess what? He isn't. You are. I know it sounds a bit twisted, but you are literally holding on to these negative emotions... "wallowing in them" to an extent. I can't tell you why you're doing this, but I'm certain you get something out of it emotionally. Sympathy, perhaps, but more likely it is a good excuse not to face other issues in your life such as love, career, relationships, etc. If you're still "busy" dealing with past abuse, you don't have time to face current issues. You can avoid the risk of intimacy, striving for success, etc. very easily by reverting to fear. Which, I'm sure, is exactly what you're doing right now. Just how much of life are you avoiding at 19? You can't let go because harsh as it is, you don't want to yet.



Understand grief. Then understand what value you get out of holding on to this ancient history; why you're hanging on to those emotions. Understand he is no longer controlling you. You are. Lastly, something you may not have quite figured out yet...



It's not your fault.

Answer 6

Oh no, I'm so, so sorry for what's been done to you. It was a terrible thing and the person who did is very sick. In no way was any of it your fault, I hope you know and believe this.



You're so right, you really need to talk about this with someone. You should be able to talk to your GP, even if it goes to your medical record by law the doctor is not allowed to talk to anyone about it without your prior consent. I don't think yoy will be able to get rid of the bad memories until you do process the whole thing through with someone who has the ability and skills to help you.



I think your mum doesn't really know how to handle the situation and that's why she's trying to shush the whole thing. I'm sure she loves you and is hurt by this thing just as badly as you are, but mums are humans too and sometimes they behave the wrong way.



Try to search the internet for phone help lines in your area. If going to the GP is too daunting, you can always call these helplines and talk to a trained councellor without giving your real name, etc. They will also be able to guide you to the right direction for more help if necessary.



I hope you will receive the help and encouragement you need, and are able to break free from your nightmare.



All the best,

- RachelK

Answer 7

My best friend was sexually abused when she ws five by her Dad. She didn't start seeing a counsellor until she was in her early thirties, and five/six years later, she still goes to see her counsellor occasionally. This has really helped her to sort out her inner feelings. She used to hate herself and feel she was to blame. It really affected her on the inside, but no one would have guessed looking at her what turmoil was going on underneath. The only way for this pervert to stop affecting your life is to see a counsellor. Your doctor can recommend one for you. Don't expect it all to be sorted in a few sessions. It will take a while for you to get comfortable with your counsellor, and be able to open up with her / him. If you can't build up a rapport, then ask to see someone else, otherwise there's no point. You won't see any results straight away, but in time you will be able to 'put it in a box' and forget about it most of the time. Don't worry about records. You are not going to be 'labelled' as a freak or anything. Lots of people visit counsellors for lots of ailments;stress, phobias etc. While ever he is in your thoughts, he is still affecting how you live. Seek help...you are so young and will be able to have normal relationships without this affecting them Good Luck :-)

Answer 8

Of course you need help and support, but it seems your mum wont be bale to help much for whatever reason. Who was this person? If they are family then you really need to sort this out. I'd first go to my GP (if theyre well known to you) and just say what you said in your message. You'll feel better after having discussed it face to face with someone. They will also arrange counselling. This should help you, but do you want to take it further? Who is this person abusing now? Have you thought of going to the police? To be honest I had this at the same age but didnt tell my mum until I was almost 30. The creep was dead by then and my mum handled it badly and it messed our relationship up...If I had the choice again I'd do the same thing because this pecks at your head and you need to tell someone everthing. It wont go away but you really will learn to live with it. I wish you well but you really must talk to someone..its like lifting a huge weight off your shoulders..

Answer 9

i can tell this is bothering you so badly and that is totally understandable. i certainly think you need to see someone, there are all kinds of places you can go, you can call the battered women's shelter and i am sure they can direct you to a place where you can get help. it is never good to gloss things over on the outside when things are not great on the inside and you are suffering because of it. what i don't understand is if you mom knows about the abuser why didn't she notify authorities? the thing is if he abused you, he has certainly abused other children, they don't just magically stop! and you haven't gone "this long" without it affecting you, it is affecting you! how could it not? by all means, seek someone out that you can talk to and let your anger and hurt OUT! only then can you start the road to healing that you so badly need. my heart goes out to you and i think you are very brave to confront this issue in your life so you can go on. this was not your fault and you shouldn't have to suffer for it, but that abuser NEEDS to be stopped! best of luck to you and my prayers are with you.

Answer 10

Deal with it now, or when you try to have a healthy relationship with a man you love. Either way, there's a hill you have to climb. Sorry--it's really not fair.



If you can't afford to see a counselor and there are no free services in your area (there probably are if you look) a priest/pastor...whatever, can talk to you in confidence--legally, with no record. I'm not recommending the Catholic Church, nor am I a Catholic, but they do have priests available at almost anytime, and they'll be happy to talk to you whether you're a Catholic or not.



As for your medical record, particularly that of a mental health practitioner, it's one of the most confidential documents there are. That should be the least of your concerns.

Answer 11

Try looking for a private counsellor in your local paper - classifieds - personal.

If you can't pay, then it's via your GP I'm afraid. Your medical records are kept confidential. Unless the police get involved. But that's your choice.

I expect you don't want sympathy, but I'm sorry that's happened to you.

Good luck for the future. You must be very strong.

Answer 12

Talk to a minister, call a prayer line, write all your feelings out in your own daily journal. Dont keep this bottled up inside of you. He cant hurt you now remember that and the past is the past. Theres nothing you can do to change what happened but if you talk to a conselor or someone maybe a rape crisis line they can give you good advice on how to cope with the nightmares. The sooner you get your feelings out the more you will heal. Dont allow this to eat you up inside. Dont let him win by destroying your life any longer. Give it all to God honey and he will heal you.



Dear Lord Jesus I am asking you now to touch Laura from the crown of her head to the tippy toes of her feet and all parts of her body. Heal her heart and her broken spirit Lord. Erase these terrable memories from her mind, and give her a good nights sleep. Help her to learn to lean on you. Protect her so that no man can ever bring harm to her again, ecspecially the evil one who has hurt her so in the past.



Allow her to feel your presence and your peace as she reads this prayer. Give her the guidance to seek help from your loving angels. Thank You Lord.....



and God be with You Laura... Hugs

Answer 13

i was abuse and it was someone close to my family i tried not to let it show but i had to break at some stage i told my sister who told my parents. i tried to act like nothing had happen i tried to be myself again but deep down i new i was going mad after a good few months i told my family how i was feeling and i couldnt survive goin on acting like nothing had happen they helped me threw it. it is just over a year later and my life is back on track i thought i would never got it back. laura u ant be a surviver or a victim if ur a survivor i get on with life and try and put it behind u or u can be a victim and let it ruin your life and never be happy. i am a survivor laura and so should u be talk to soeone in the family they will understand. whatever you do dont blame yourself. be a survivor and join me x x x

Answer 14

think you really need to speak to a councillor or a psychologist, dont worry about it going on to your medical record too, as you have nothing to be ashamed of, and Im sure it probably wouldnt,, but you really do need to speak to someone, let it all out and maybe somehow work out how to get your life back together. I really hope that you manage to get something sorted, but their are professionals out there that will listen and that will help.. Good Luck and all the best xxx

Answer 15

Yes you do need to talk to a counselor and yes your family needs to know. The person who did this needs to be confronted and everyone around them needs to know so they do not do it again. Odds are you are not the only person this sick person has abused. Try to gather the strength to do this for yourself and the others this person has or will abuse. It is very difficult but it will lift a huge weight when you make it thru. Find support do not do this alone.

Answer 16

Its really bad that such a thing happened to you. I am surprised that ur mother can respond this way. In any case you should seek help. You need to meet a psychologist and get assistance ASAP. Are you in a damn country like India where such issues may affect ur future marriage is that why your mother hesitates?

Take care. Its not your fault, try not to bother about that ####

Answer 17

You really ought to seek out counseling. Am I understanding you correctly that your mom doesn't think you need to see anyone? She is so wrong. You most definitely do. If your mom isn't listening, I would talk to your school counselor when school starts again. They know how to get you in touch with people that can help you without your mom intefering.



Good luck, honey. I'm so sorry someone did that to you. *hug*

Answer 18

I think your mom is worried about how this will embarrass her....Please go and get help, start talking till someone listens, go to your doctor a lawyer the police your preacher/minister/pastor/priest anyone, and you need to confront that bastard you have the right to shame him in public to call into question his character and to save the next little girl that might come into contact with.



shout out loud scream if you have to....there are people out there and here that care!!



You go get em girly!!

Answer 19

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Answer 20

You need some counseling to help you through this don't be ashamed in anyway you've done nothing wrong but they can teach you how to overcome your problems .. I wish you well and sometimes bad things happen to good people don't let it eat at you for the rest of your life. you are young and have have so much to look foreward to.

Answer 21

try the rain organization they have counselors that are feel and also support groups are a help I'm 28 and still am dealing with it it doesn't leave you but with the right help it doesn't have to effect you like now good luck and if you need someone to talk with email me I'll talk with you

Answer 22

First thing you need to do is to talk to the District Attorney to possibly file charges against this abuser. Failure to do so WILL result in this Asshole continuing this legacy. And you do need to go to counseling before it has some tragic affect on you.

Answer 23

I wish i can help u, that really sound harsh...

Dont u have some1 close to u who would listen to u ?cry with u? share this with u? and go with u through a healing process..coz sometimes all what we need is to speak up and share some of our painful experiences..

May God help u

Answer 24

You need to talk to a counsellor or a friend first. You have to deal with it or it wont go away. Your mother doesnt sound bothered which is terrible but you must talk to someone about it. Take care

Answer 25

your right you dont need sympathy...i dont think you need advice either,you know the answer......you need professional help to get through this.....to deal with what happened,come to terms with it and then to move on.



i'm suprised you werent given any help at the time it all went to court....or was that your mums idea of trying to help



it sounds like your mum feels guilty for what happened and her way of dealing with it is to push it to the past and forget it happened........i can understand her feeling like that....but it wont help you......you need to deal with it.....your old enough to get that help yourself now and dont need your mums permission.



for your own sake and that of your future get the help.....then you can be as happy on the inside as you look on the outside.....good luck

Answer 26

I'm so sorry to hear this. And your mother is wrong, you don't have closure, but you need it. And this creep needs to get what is coming to him, to punish him, to prevent him repeating, and as a message to others who would do the same as he did.

I think you're in the UK. Call childline, or the Samaritans. They are in the phonebook, or google/yahoo them.

Answer 27

you really need help, it does not matter if 17 years passed you still sound very hurt, please go to a psychologist, not medical doctors, they cant help, or if you want you can write me and tell me everything you feel, maybe i can help.



please take care of those emotions, you cant be represing more, and sadly maybe your mother is the type of persons that like to be in denial

Answer 28

turn him it. remember one thing you didn't do anything wrong. you could go to your doctor and ask him/her if they could re-amend a councilor for you. what you take about to your doctor it's private. no body know. unless you give your consent. just keeping tell yourself i didn't do anything wrong. this person is a pig for even putting your hands on you in the first place. sound like you mom don't care. well she should you are her daughter. good luck honey.

Answer 29

talk to a shrink about it.. It will help you work through a lot of the issues through counseling

Answer 30

You have to look for help ASAP or this will haunt you your whole life.

Answer 31

tell some one. like a colsler.