Do you believe that people can change?

Question

I had this conversation with a friend who is adamant that people don't change.

Long story short: My husband and I started dating at 16 (we're 28 now). He had a drug/alcohol problem which made him physically and emotionally abusive. We split at 17; he got clean (almost 10 years now). We got back together at 20, married at 23; have two daughters and another on the way. He changed. She still disagrees.

Answer 1

Do you believe that people can change?



Ah, fascinating question.



There are a lot of great answers here. I would like to present a different angle. :-)



The key word in your question is "believe." Mark Twain said, "Faith is believing what you know aint so!"



Sometimes when we want something to be true badly enough we simply just "believe" that it is true regardless. Unfortunately, "believing" something doesn't necessarily make it so even if there appears to be some evidence to support that belief. Our desire for something to be true introduces confirmation bias - - which is partly why you felt compelled to ask this question.



Real, lasting change usually only occurs after some kind of traumatic life event like a grand epiphany or self-realization and is often motivated by a desperate desire for release from pain: physical or emotional.



Yes, some people have managed amazing life transformation; but make no mistake - - their apparent "change" was for purely selfish reasons! These miraculous transformations usually occur in relationships after one partner has presented the other with an ultimatum. In a healthy relationship one person should never have to "bribe" or "threaten" the other person with leaving in order to recieve respect or get the affection they are due!



To answer your question directly, "Do you believe that people can change?"



No, I do not.



A genuinely selfish person will always be a narcissist.



You can, however, attempt to bring some things to a person's attention that they may not have been aware of. At which point, they may or may not try to modify their behavior based on how much they value the relationship or how much they need to remain in control.



Hope that helps.



Great question! Good luck!

Answer 2

*Can* people change? Yes. I believe the real question is, *Will* they change? And the answer is, 'That's completely up to them. Only time will tell.' Change is a personal decision that one makes. Some people learn from their mistakes, while others simply go around collecting them. To say that everyone stays the same is a very cynical (or optimistic, depending on what angle you're coming from) way to look at things.



Your friend may be living on the 'it's better to be safe than sorry' principle. If the behavior is negative and destructive to those around them, then a lot of times it's best to assume that people don't change. *Can* a thief change? Yes. *Will* he change? That's completely up to him. Only time will tell.

Answer 3

I agree with your friend. People don't change.



People however, do evolve. They are forced to change their behavior because of repercussions or events that they cannot control. I think your husband is an example of that. I think He's evolved from the person he used to be,and it was a long hard process.



Also great story, i'm happy that it worked out for you and you have a happy family.

Answer 4

Yes I like to believe people can change. I like to believe that if I was given another chance I could be a better person. to change we need 2 things, acknowledge what we are doing wrong and be willing to change.

Answer 5

It takes commitment, endurance, and a lot of love and support and loyalty, which you gave your man and now you got your family together...your relationship is a test and example of change! compromise and all that jazz. It's a mindset, some people wanna change some people don't. It's the reward system, your man clearly loved you enough to want to change. So that's great!

Answer 6

I don't know... I didn't meet a lot of ppl in my life so I can't give you a satisfying validated answer. But I can tell you that I don't know anyone who changed. Maybe some don't show you their true colors until some time passes. Maybe someone is closed book and doesn't like to share a lot about themselves but certain situations make you stunned about em. And maybe ppl change the way they think and some habits but (like me) deep down they are the same person you've met the first time.

Answer 7

It's not as simple as can people, in general, change or can't they. Abusive people are narcissistic that cannot be changed.



Drug and alcohol addicts act like narcissist do, but therapists cannot be sure if it's the addiction or the personality disorder until person is clean for long enough to tell. In your husband's case it could be, you claim, it was drug abuse that made him abusive not narcissism.



So as long he is clean, he is safe to be around.(So, you say) Trouble with addiction is people relapse throughout their lives...



So, if he starts using again, he will become violent again....Even as far as alcoholics go,your husband was bad.Not all drug abusers show violent narcissism but they do display narcissistic behavior.



So your husband is still a piece of violent s.h.i.t that abuses physically weaker than himself, as in women or children, he just needs a few weeks drinking spree to start him off....



There could be no reason ever to go back to someone who was physically and emotionally abusive to you.



That was the first error in your logic, i wonder how trustworthy your report of you husband not being abusive is even...



In theory it is possible that he is now a changed man as he was only 16 and a heavy drug and alcohol abuser when he was abusive, but this is rare...



You know what's not rare, people being abused in a relationship where abuse is normalized to a point they go around telling everyone their abusive partner is not abusive anymore...



So really, it's not as simple as do people change...People do change, but not so much that they can go from personality disorder to mental health...



Even if you husband was of the rare men who were only abusive due to drug abuse and he is now safe and sane, you are setting a terrible example for young women or any women struggling to cut someone who got abusive on them from their life...



Instead of broadcasting you taking back a man who has hit you before as a success story you should STFU about it. It's nothing to be proud of...



Finally, adding into my reasoning the fact that your own friend sees he hasn't changed... Chances are you are being abused daily and your 2,5 kids as well...



Well done...Great job...

Answer 8

Yes people can change. When I was younger I was racist (though Mexican's were job stealers and black people were less then), sexist (Girls were lower them me and couldn't do what most men could), had a major attitude problem (would punch other kids), and was a major gay basher (never hurt any of them but said awful things)



Now I quite enjoy being around people of any ethnicity and I LOVE accents. I quickly came to understand girls could do anything guys can (LOTS of strong country girls around where I grew up). I'm now a rather calm and chill person. And I'm okay around a people of any sexual orientation.

Answer 9

Yes. I also reserve the right to improve myself at future times as information and experience dictate.



Your friend has a point in that often times people have a very hard time changing. No woman should stay with a guy that is abusive, but you seem to have made a good choice letting him have a second chance.



Sometimes all we need in life is another chance to get ourselves right.

Answer 10

People can change, yes. But it's about as big a deal as a fat person losing the weight. It's about as likely too. But love is the fuel so - given love, sure people grow and change. Without it, it's unlikely. Bravo to your hubby.

Answer 11

People can and do change over time for many reasons, but it should be up to them and never let any one force change on you.

Answer 12

I think, YES, People Can Change, But, It will not for the "Overall Population", Where Changing Depends on the Humans "Interest" to Change, Where Everyone is Not in the Race of the Change.

Answer 13

I think your friend probably sees something in him that you can't. I don't think she would say that unless she had a reason, or noticed something For you both to have been together for a few years, and now even have children, and your friend still brings up that he hasn't changed, says that she must be noticing something really off about him.

Answer 14

Yes, people change.. but some people are very closed minded and think that people don't change.

Answer 15

Of course people can change. The change has to come from the person who wants to change.

Answer 16

People change all the time through out their lives.

Answer 17

Helen: "It's funny how people change, isn't it?

Annie: Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Do people really change?

Helen: I think they do.

Annie: Yeah, but I mean, they still stay who they are, pretty much.

Helen: I think we change all the time.

Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess a little bit.

Helen: I think if you're growing, then you're changing.

Annie: But I mean, we're changing from who we are, which we always stay as.

Helen: Not really, I don't think so.

Annie: I think so.

Helen: I don't."

Answer 18

It's possible for a person to change for the better.



It's also possible for a person who has changed for the better to relapse or whatever, but the best policy would be to support them and believe in them, because if they sense you're just waiting for them to relapse…



They probably will.

Answer 19

Yes. People can and do change. Christianity is built on the fact that people can change.

Answer 20

Yes, I think that people can change. My father-in-law is one that I personally know who did change. In his first marriage he had multiple affairs, embezzled money, and was just overall not a good person. After paying for his errors and truly hitting rock bottom, he turned his life around. For him, it was religion that drove the change, but I don't think that is what drives it for everyone.

Answer 21

yes people do change but mostly it is downward. In your case I hope he is able to stay sober. I hope you attend classes for family members of abusers so you can continue to know triggers and how to handle backsliding. Hope you can find a Bible believing church and get plugged in for the sake of the kids and yourself God be with you

Answer 22

Remember the jargon, " Change is the only Constant in Life". So, everybody is bound to change for betterment if nurtured well. If go haywire, may change to wose side.

Answer 23

I'm changed a lot

Answer 24

Yes. Jesus Christ changed my life. A few can probably change on their own out of sheer determination, I suppose.

Answer 25

Certainly, as they grow up, people can change in several areas of life.

Answer 26

Na sum people never change.

Like me

Answer 27

Change happens in a moment .it wasn't gradual. I was doing the same sh it Over and over again for the past 15 years until this chick rolled her eyes on me. Something inside in me snap. My life was never the same. I was head over heels in love.

Answer 28

We can't change other people, we can only change ourselves. Just my opinion.

Answer 29

You leave out some important facts - why does your friend say he hasn't changes?

Answer 30

People do change, but only if they genuinely want to change themselves, not being forced by others to change. (e.g. "I want you to stop drinking" talk will never work unless the person wants to)



In your situation, your boyfriend changed on his own and that is proof.

Answer 31

Change is the order of life.

Answer 32

Yes, people can change if they have the true desire to change. you can't force it.

Answer 33

You dont change you just become a better version of yourself.

Answer 34

Yes.

Answer 35

Meditation: The Science of Awakening



http://gnosticteachings.org/the-teachings-of-gnosis/introductory-information/44-meditation-the-science-of-awakening.html



Meditation and the Spiritual Consciousness beyond the Mind



http://www.lookwithinyou.com/spiritual-consciousness-beyond-mind/

Answer 36

The Awakening of Consciousness



http://gnosticteachings.org/books-by-samael-aun-weor/the-perfect-matrimony/942-the-awakening-of-consciousness.html



http://www.transcendingconsciousness.com/what-is-awakening.html

Answer 37

yes

Answer 38

No, i don't. at least not in this world. a friend abused you means he will abuse again and again.

Answer 39

Yes, I think so.. if there is someone who can motivate the people..

Answer 40

Yes if they really want to.

Answer 41

yes.

Answer 42

Yeah, I do

Answer 43

They "can," they just "won't."