What do I tell my son now? His father is an idiot. Sorry it's so long....?

Question

I have a son who will be 8 this weekend. He does not know his father. I broke up with his father when he was 2 weeks old because I caught him placing personal ads on the internet (single, have children that live elsewhere, looking for someone who likes to skinnydip...please). Anyway, his father saw him until he was 2 and most of that was because I pushed the 'relationship' between the 2 of them. My son never wanted to go over there but I felt he needed a father so I kinda ignored it. When my son was 2, he came home and told me all about the female anatomy (he laid on my bed, spread his legs, and told me where his p*ssy was). After cooling off, I called his father to discuss this with him. He blew up and hung up on me. I knew that his half-sister (father's daughter from previous marriage) was the one that showed him because she showed me something similar when she was younger (before my son was born). I always felt she had been molested but he would never listen to me. Anyway, the following week (after he hung up on me) he called and asked when I was bringing my son to him for a sleepover. I told him that I wasn't because we had never established custody and I had talked to a lawyer that advised me to keep my son with me until something was in writing about custody. My lawyer told me that if he got my son, he didn't have to bring him back to me since I didn't have legal custody. I told him that if he would have something written up, he could see him and I wouldn't fight it (I would be fair) and we wouldn't even have to go to court. He told me that he would take my son from me and I would never see him again. Then he hung up. I haven't heard from him since. That was about 6 years ago.

Now my son is 8 and he wants to meet his father (and his father's other children- 3 from a marriage older than my son and 1 after we split up by some girl he's not with anymore). I called the grandmother and talked to her. We had a really long, nice conversation and my son even talked to his half-brother (which is being raised by his grandparents) on the phone. She told me that she would get in touch with his father and call me back in a few days. I haven't heard from her since and it's been about a week.

I know that his father's latest girlfriend doesn't know about my son because that's how he is. She thinks he's got 4 kids, not 5. I know this because a friend of mine (that he didn't know) requested him a buddy on facebook and talked to him and he told her that he had 4, not 5 (and he named them so I knew he was leaving out my son).

Anyway, I don't personally care about that. He could fall off the face of the earth for all I care. But my son does. What do I tell him if his father doesn't want to meet him? I could kill him at this point and I'm usually a very civil person. I know it's because of the girlfriend and because she doesn't know about him. I would love to tell my son that his father is a loser and that it's not his fault but I know that is something he is going to have to figure out for himself.

His father is truly the opitame of an idiot. Everything he has ever owned has been repossessed and he has a different girlfriend all the time because he neglects his relationships. If this girl wants to have a baby with him, he would do it but if she walked away tomorrow with the child for being neglected, he wouldn't care at all. I think he's unable to love anything. It's really wierd. I felt so bad for the girl after me but I couldn't tell her because she wouldn't have listened. Now she's left him and she too has a baby.

PS. I am married now and my husband treats my son like his own. I recently went to court to gain full custody of my son too so if something happened to me, he wouldn't be forced to go live with a father he's never met.

Answer 1

i speak from my own experience in dealing with a worthless, piece of **** father growing up. i had to learn the hard way just what kind of man my father was. in truth, when i was 6, i almost knew my father didn't want anything to do with me or my siblings. but i needed to hear it. i just wasn't prepared for what i was to hear, or what was going to happen later (a story i will not get into with strangers). but i had to at least know who he was, if i had any other brothers or sisters, and if maybe he would love me for being his son (i was young & certainly didn't understand that just because he was my father didn't mean he would love me).



thinking back on all of it, at my age now, i'm glad my mom let me talk to him & try to get to know him (because i wanted to form my own opinion of him regardless of what others said). a major difference between my situation back then & your son's is he already has a dad (one that actually loves him & is there for him). which brings us to the question ... what do you say to him? in nearly every case i give advice to someone, the biggest thing i stress is honesty. but with this, sometimes the truth just isn't going to be good enough.



talk to his father first & let him know what's going on. depending on what his father says will help you decide what is best ... giving a father & son a chance to get to know each other, or protecting an 8-yr-old little boy from one of the worst heartbreaks a kid could ever feel. if you feel it's best for your son to wait until he gets a little older, then so be it. if you have to, tell your son his father is really busy with something & that you'll tell him when it's time. your son will learn the truth about everything, eventually. just don't let him rush into something he isn't going to be ready for now.

Answer 2

My advice might not be "right" but I think I would be tempted to tell him his dad died. His father has denied him for most of his life and it sounds like he's not interested in being his father. My daughter is dealing with a similar situation and it's heartbreaking. She's only 3 and wonders why daddy doesn't want to see her. His visits have been intermittent and to me that's worse than just dropping out of her life. She needs a daddy but this man is confusing her more than helping her. I wish you and your son the best.

Answer 3

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